Angels Fall First

36

Summer had come and was nearly gone, and Emppu felt that it had gone far too fast. They had gathered at Tuomas’ cabin for the last few days, Anette bringing Seth with her, just to regroup and relax without any pressure. It was nice and definitely working. Everyone had visibly relaxed. The seven-year-old boy in their midst also helped lighten the mood, constantly bringing smiles to everyone’s faces, especially Anette’s. There was always a certain light in her eyes when Seth was around that Emppu found a very enjoyable thing to see, because it wasn’t often these days that he saw her like that.

After Seth had been tucked in for bed, they often had campfires, around which alcohol was consumed, marshmallows were roasted and stories were shared. Emppu enjoyed these times the most, because everyone was more relaxed and things were closer to how they had been before everything had begun to spiral out of control. Anette still had not said a word about quitting the band, and Emppu felt almost reassured that if she hadn’t mentioned it by now, she wasn’t going to quit at all. Doubt still lingered in his mind, but for the most part, he was sure she was going to stick around. Tuomas wasn’t so sure, and that was painfully clear, and even though time and time again Emppu told him that Anette probably wouldn’t quit, Tuomas never believed him. It was around one such campfire that the issue was finally addressed. Anette was making s’mores and Marco had gone to get the beer. The rest of the guys sat in silence, each lost in their thoughts, until Jukka abruptly spoke up.

“I’m sorry, Anette.”

She looked up at him in surprise, but didn’t ask him what he was talking about. Emppu hadn’t the foggiest what Jukka had to apologize for.

“I shouldn’t have said what I did,” Jukka continued. “I guess I just…” he ran a hand over his face before looking at Anette again. “I just fucked up. I’m really, really, sorry, Anette.”

She was silent for a moment and looked away. She had something to say, Emppu could tell, but when she did look up and say something, it was only, “It wasn’t really your fault, Jukka.” Jukka visibly relaxed, though Emppu hadn’t really noticed that he was tense before.

“I still wish I’d kept my mouth shut,” he said, standing and giving Anette a hug.

“Careful or you’ll get marshmallow and chocolate all over you!” Anette said with a little laugh, she too having relaxed though she hadn’t seemed particularly tense before either. Emppu was pleased to see the air cleared between the two of them, though a glance at Tuomas showed that his mind was clouded.

“What’s wrong, Tuomas?” Anette asked, apparently having picked up on the same thing.

“Are you staying in the band?” Tuomas blurted out. There was silence for a moment, and Emppu was sure that had the lighting been better, a deep blush would be seen on Tuomas’ face as he berated himself for asking her in front of everyone, or for doubting her at all, or for something anyway. He turned his attention to Anette, intrigued as to her answer, and growing slightly worried because she hadn’t yet said yes or no. He wondered what she was thinking that made her so quiet.

“I thought about quitting, honestly quitting, the band,” she finally admitted. “It was getting to be a lot before everything happened, and I don’t know if I can handle it, especially now.” Emppu’s heart sank. She was quitting wasn’t she? “But I’m not giving up yet. I won’t…I’m not going to quit as long as I can take it.” Her eyes were locked with Emppu’s now, and he could see the strength there. He didn’t know how long it had taken her to build that strength back up, that stubbornness that had gotten Tuomas to reconsider hiring her in the first place, but he had never been so glad to see it. The old Anette was in there and was finally coming back. Maybe it would be a slow process, but the fact that there was hope brought peace to the guitarist. He couldn’t contain his smile as the relief whelmed over him. Maybe everything was going to be okay after all.

On the last night of their stay at Tuomas’ cabin, Emppu finally decided to ask Anette something that had been bothering him ever since she’d attempted suicide in Oslo.

“Why did you do it?”

She turned around from the bag that she’d been packing in her room. Seth was sound asleep on the bed in front of her.

“What do you mean?” But Emppu could tell by her eyes that she knew exactly what he was talking about.

“In Oslo. Why did you do it?”

She glanced at her son and then grabbed Emppu by the arm and led him out of the room to the table, where she took a seat with a sigh, Emppu following suit. She didn’t say anything for awhile, no doubt choosing her words carefully. When she did speak, she didn’t meet his eyes, staring vacantly at the table, as though trying to remember her own reasons.

“It wasn’t Jukka’s fault. But this whole time, this whole time I’ve never felt happy, peaceful, anything like that.” She met his eyes, and he could see that they were shining with unshed tears. She brushed them away angrily before they fell. “It was too much, Emppu. One thing after the other, and I had no one to turn to. I’m sorry, I know you guys have been through so much because of me. Maybe I should quit the band and let you guys continue on with another singer.” Her voice was choked and Emppu reached out for her, resting a hand on her arm and demanding her attention.

“Anette, none of this was your fault. None of it. Don’t ever think that, okay? And honestly? The band wouldn’t survive two weeks with you gone. You’re the one who keeps us in line.” He was trying to lighten the mood, but it wasn’t having much effect. “Look, Anette. You’re a part of this band. We’re all there for you if you need us. We’ll always have your back. But without you, we’d be lost. Just don’t give up yet. All of this will pass. And I’m sorry that I didn’t see sooner. I should have known.” He gave her a hug, and she clung to him.

“Thank you, Emppu. For everything you’ve done.”

Emppu didn’t trust himself to speak, so he didn’t. He let his silence speak for itself.

Finally disengaged, Emppu dared touch upon the subject of telling the police.

“You have to report him, Anette. You would be helping yourself, and anyone else he may have hurt, anyone he might hurt in the future.” He spoke softly, not wanting to upset her. He was surprised when she didn’t react right away.

“But if I do, then I’ll have to face him again.” She spoke quietly, almost though she was talking more to herself than to him.

“The only way to completely remove your fear is to confront it. Make him pay for what he did. You’re strong enough. You’re stronger than him and you can beat him.” He could see that she was nearly convinced. She must have been thinking about it already. He just wanted to see her one step closer to the peace of mind she used to possess. She had the strength, and Emppu knew that she would be able to go through with it, if only she could gather the courage now. “I’ll be there for you, every step of the way.”

That was it, that was his whole argument. He didn’t know what else he could say, but he knew that every word he spoke was the truth and he hoped Anette knew that too. She searched his eyes for any sign that he was lying to make her feel better, but was apparently satisfied that he wasn’t.

“I’ll do it, as soon as we go back to the city.” As soon as the words left her mouth, he could almost see her strong will flood into her, her shoulders straightening, her face grim and determined, as she prepared herself for what wasn’t going to come until at least tomorrow. She’d need a lot of time to prepare herself, Emppu was sure of it. She would be able to handle it. She would finally be able to begin healing.