Angels Fall First

34

He walks towards her and circles her, and there are people, laughing and laughing, calling her names. She’s spinning around and around, but she knows she has to stop, because she’s going to be sick if she doesn’t. He grabs her by the arm, too hard, he’s holding on too hard and she’s trying to tell him that he’s hurting her, but there’s a hand over her mouth and blue, blue eyes, freezing her and she can’t look away. He leans in and whispers in her ear, “Scream for me.” Then she’s spinning again, she wants it to stop, she wants to stop spinning, but she doesn’t know how to stop on her own. Someone grabs her from behind and pulls her backward until she falls. She sees a man standing over her, and it’s Fredrik. “Help me up!” she cries, but he ignores her and walks away, Seth by his side. Someone picks her up off the ground and she sees four wolves surrounding her, their teeth bared at the people still laughing at her. They’re protecting her, but they don’t see one man draw close to her, they don’t see him cup her face with his hand, almost in a caring manner, until he suddenly hits her. She’s spinning again, and she wants it to stop. She wants it all to end.

Damp with sweat, Anette woke, clutching her blankets tightly to her chin. It felt as though her heart was in her throat. She had been trying so hard not to think about it these days, but no amount of conscious suppression could prevent the images and emotions from entering her dreams. This was not the first time in the past weeks that she had woken up from a nightmare like this. They were becoming more and more frequent, though there were slight differences. Sometimes there were no wolves protecting her and the laughter was louder and closer. Sometimes the second man had his hand wrapped in her hair and was pulling her head back as his fingers caressed her exposed throat. Anette truly wished she could clear all these images from her mind, that it would stop tormenting her and she could continue with life as it used to be. She knew that could never happen, or wouldn’t happen for a very long time, and it disheartened her that the memories were always at the back of her mind. Laying in her bed alone, she longed for the warmth of her husband’s arms around her and the comfort his mere presence used to bring. She sighed deeply, trying to push the sadness away, and got out of bed to get a glass of water.

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt genuinely happy. Even when she smiled and when she laughed, it was for the benefit of the others. She didn’t want them to worry, they had all been supportive, they had all tried their best, but she was so…tired. She wanted to be better and to be fine, but she wasn’t. She couldn’t help but think about how different everything would have been if she had only taken a bodyguard with her for that walk, or if she’d never gone for a walk to begin with. She’d been an idiot, and she knew that. When she thought about what the others had been through, what the fans must have felt dealing with all the cancellations, and how everyone was suffering for her, because of her stupidity, she couldn’t shake that feeling of guilt, that feeling that things would be so much better if she wasn’t in any of these people’s lives. Ewo had cancelled the rest of the tour, all because of her. He said that she was definitely not ready to perform and needed time away from the hassle of tour life. Anette knew she couldn’t face crowds of screaming fans night after night, but to disappoint so many people, it was almost more than she could bear. And she knew, she knew this would be interpreted the wrong way by the people who still hadn’t accepted her as Nightwish’s frontwoman. They would cling to this and she would not live it down, a thought which was daunting, to be sure. The guys were really supportive and they told her that they’d make sure everyone understood this wasn’t her decision, but she knew exactly how it would play out. Everything was falling apart, everything was culminating and overwhelming her. She had to face the consequences of her actions every single day, and when she looked in the mirror or at the faces of her band mates, she saw the toll everything was taking. She knew that it was all her fault.

She wanted to go to the police and tell them everything, but the thought of it alone made her sick with anxiety. It wouldn’t be a simple matter of telling the police and being done with it. It would be a matter of going to court and telling a judge and jury everything that happened. It would mean facing the man who had raped her, and she didn’t know if she was prepared to handle that, or if she ever would be. Maybe all of this would go away if she just let it be. Maybe life could go on and she could get over it. Maybe time could work its magic and heal her.

Then there was Nightwish. She trusted the guys, she liked their company and their friendship, but she didn’t think she could go on in the band. It was all too much. Too much publicity, too much drama, too many things going wrong. Anette was slipping, and being in this world famous band, touring all the time, wasn’t helping her at all. Her home life had dissolved, and tour life wasn’t much better. Of course, the shows and the music were incredibly fulfilling, but it wasn’t enough. Though they had not yet fought the custody battle, Anette knew Fredrik would win. Even now, Seth was with him, and Anette was alone. There was no one she could call, no one she felt comfortable calling. She had cut everyone off, all her friends, her family. She didn’t have anything at all. Nightwish was the only constant in her life right now, and she wasn’t sure if it would better or worse to cut that away too, but she was sure that she would have to make up her mind soon. She was holding them back. Maybe it would be better if she quit the band now and let the guys find a new vocalist, allowing them move on with their lives and their careers even if she couldn’t.

A/N (I know, I have a lot of these lately O.o): So, there you have it. The very first dream sequence I have ever written in my writing career (that will likely end as soon as I’m done this fanfic, haha). What do you think? I think it’s okay. It could be better, but then again, the first time trying something new doesn’t often end with excellent results, right? Mehwell, I hope you understand what it all signifies anyway.