Archive for November, 2008

Chapter 37

{ November 28, 2008 @ 3:27 pm } · { Fellowship }
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37

 

Things were okay now, between them. Tarja and her husband had resolved their issues and things were comfortable. Tarja sometimes still felt uneasy around him, though, and silently vowed to think twice before she told him any information he could use against her or against her friends or ex-band mates anymore. She never wished harm or pain on the guys in Nightwish, or the girl. It still hurt her to think of what they must have gone through once the tabloids had published the story of Anette’s rape. It still hurt her to think that they blamed her. She still didn’t know if Emppu had told them, but she absolutely refused to call or text to ask. She had to remind herself time and time again that things were better for both of them if they weren’t involved in each other’s lives.

 

Tarja had become what some would call a workaholic, plunging into her music, writing lyrics, playing piano, a constant flow of ideas running onto a paper. She found that writing music helped her to forget about Nightwish and any other problems she might be facing. It gave her something to focus her time and energy on, and for that she had immersed herself so wholly. She was almost annoyed when she had to stop writing, stop playing. She had never felt this creative before, and it was such a nice feeling; she could understand now why Tuomas always held Nightwish so close to his heart. There she was, thinking of Nightwish again, which was exactly what she was trying to avoid doing. But somehow, almost everything could lead back to them. She’d gone for years without giving them a second thought, and now she couldn’t get them off her mind. Why did she care so much what they thought of her? She never used to. Something had changed, something that could probably be attributed to have finally taken that step and meeting Tuomas for the first time since they’d fired her. Maybe that had made her realize just how much she missed them, if she was being honest with herself. She didn’t like being honest with herself. It was too painful.

 

There came a day when no matter what amount of avoiding thinking of Nightwish she tried to do, she couldn’t. She was surprised to receive a text message from Anette. She hadn’t expected one from any of them now, but least of all her. She was the one who had been hurt most directly by what Marcelo had done. For a second, Tarja worried that it would not be a nice text message, but the thought soon left her mind, because she knew Anette wasn’t like that. She had no idea what it could be about, though, so she was a little worried as she opened it. She read it over and felt a little pang of sadness, but at the same time a mixture of relief and gratitude. No, Anette hadn’t written anything mean, she had just written the truth, no matter how bitter that truth was. “Emppu told me the truth. I’m sorry about everything that happened,” it read. “If we were different people, I’m sure we could be great friends, but because of Nightwish, I don’t think it’s in our best interests to be that close. You helped me a lot more than I think you know, and I’m grateful for that. I hope life treats you well.” Tarja smiled a little, reading it over again, glad for the closure. She was sad to see what could have been a good friendship leave, but she knew that Anette was right and that things would be better if they weren’t friends at all. It was a kind of farewell, though Tarja knew that it was quite probable that one day their paths would cross again. She hoped one day things could be well between her and the rest of the guys, but for now she was glad to have at least gained Emppu’s and Anette’s forgiveness and acceptance.

 

She didn’t tell Marcelo about the text she’d received from Anette. She didn’t see that it was relevant or any of his business at all. She didn’t trust that he wouldn’t try to twist into something that it wasn’t. Now that things were going well between them, Tarja saw no need to trouble their relationship with trivialities or anything regarding Nightwish again. She had accepted that the band was past, and she had accepted that they couldn’t be friends no matter how much they may want to, but she wasn’t sure that Marcelo could see that, or that he even saw that she had truly cared for Anette as a person. She had no wish to sabotage anyone’s career, because that was a petty and cruel thing to do. She didn’t know if her husband saw things like that, or how he could see things differently. Everything that had happened in the past months had shown her a lot about people, about how they truly were. She saw that Marcelo’s intentions weren’t always pure, that she had truly misjudged Anette, and that Emppu had honestly still been her friend, even at the end. She saw that Tuomas was stronger now than before, and that Marco would defend Anette ‘til the end, that his loyalty to her surpassed what his loyalty to Tarja had been. She had seen that Jukka was prepared to give her a second chance, that he didn’t hold a grudge on her, that he believed in the best of people. She felt no jealousy or bitterness that they worked so well together or that Anette had stepped up to the plate with such grace and been welcomed with such open arms by Nightwish’s fan base. They would make it through everything that had happened to them, the obstacles Anette had faced lately, that could tear the band apart. Tarja could see that they were dedicated to this, that they would hold each other up and that they would prevail, and she was happy for them.

Chapter 36

{ November 21, 2008 @ 12:59 am } · { Fellowship }
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36

 

Summer had come and was nearly gone, and Emppu felt that it had gone far too fast. They had gathered at Tuomas’ cabin for the last few days, Anette bringing Seth with her, just to regroup and relax without any pressure. It was nice and definitely working. Everyone had visibly relaxed. The seven-year-old boy in their midst also helped lighten the mood, constantly bringing smiles to everyone’s faces, especially Anette’s. There was always a certain light in her eyes when Seth was around that Emppu found a very enjoyable thing to see, because it wasn’t often these days that he saw her like that.

 

After Seth had been tucked in for bed, they often had campfires, around which alcohol was consumed, marshmallows were roasted and stories were shared. Emppu enjoyed these times the most, because everyone was more relaxed and things were closer to how they had been before everything had begun to spiral out of control. Anette still had not said a word about quitting the band, and Emppu felt almost reassured that if she hadn’t mentioned it by now, she wasn’t going to quit at all. Doubt still lingered in his mind, but for the most part, he was sure she was going to stick around. Tuomas wasn’t so sure, and that was painfully clear, and even though time and time again Emppu told him that Anette probably wouldn’t quit, Tuomas never believed him. It was around one such campfire that the issue was finally addressed. Anette was making s’mores and Marco had gone to get the beer. The rest of the guys sat in silence, each lost in their thoughts, until Jukka abruptly spoke up.

“I’m sorry, Anette.”

She looked up at him in surprise, but didn’t ask him what he was talking about. Emppu hadn’t the foggiest what Jukka had to apologize for.

“I shouldn’t have said what I did,” Jukka continued. “I guess I just…” he ran a hand over his face before looking at Anette again. “I just fucked up. I’m really, really, sorry, Anette.”

She was silent for a moment and looked away. She had something to say, Emppu could tell, but when she did look up and say something, it was only, “It wasn’t really your fault, Jukka.” Jukka visibly relaxed, though Emppu hadn’t really noticed that he was tense before.

“I still wish I’d kept my mouth shut,” he said, standing and giving Anette a hug.

“Careful or you’ll get marshmallow and chocolate all over you!” Anette said with a little laugh, she too having relaxed though she hadn’t seemed particularly tense before either. Emppu was pleased to see the air cleared between the two of them, though a glance at Tuomas showed that his mind was clouded.

“What’s wrong, Tuomas?” Anette asked, apparently having picked up on the same thing.

“Are you staying in the band?” Tuomas blurted out. There was silence for a moment, and Emppu was sure that had the lighting been better, a deep blush would be seen on Tuomas’ face as he berated himself for asking her in front of everyone, or for doubting her at all, or for something anyway. He turned his attention to Anette, intrigued as to her answer, and growing slightly worried because she hadn’t yet said yes or no. He wondered what she was thinking that made her so quiet.

“I thought about quitting, honestly quitting, the band,” she finally admitted. “It was getting to be a lot before everything happened, and I don’t know if I can handle it, especially now.” Emppu’s heart sank. She was quitting wasn’t she? “But I’m not giving up yet. I won’t…I’m not going to quit as long as I can take it.” Her eyes were locked with Emppu’s now, and he could see the strength there. He didn’t know how long it had taken her to build that strength back up, that stubbornness that had gotten Tuomas to reconsider hiring her in the first place, but he had never been so glad to see it. The old Anette was in there and was finally coming back. Maybe it would be a slow process, but the fact that there was hope brought peace to the guitarist. He couldn’t contain his smile as the relief whelmed over him. Maybe everything was going to be okay after all.

 

On the last night of their stay at Tuomas’ cabin, Emppu finally decided to ask Anette something that had been bothering him ever since she’d attempted suicide in Oslo.

“Why did you do it?”

She turned around from the bag that she’d been packing in her room. Seth was sound asleep on the bed in front of her.

“What do you mean?” But Emppu could tell by her eyes that she knew exactly what he was talking about.

“In Oslo. Why did you do it?”

She glanced at her son and then grabbed Emppu by the arm and led him out of the room to the table, where she took a seat with a sigh, Emppu following suit. She didn’t say anything for awhile, no doubt choosing her words carefully. When she did speak, she didn’t meet his eyes, staring vacantly at the table, as though trying to remember her own reasons.

“It wasn’t Jukka’s fault. But this whole time, this whole time I’ve never felt happy, peaceful, anything like that.” She met his eyes, and he could see that they were shining with unshed tears. She brushed them away angrily before they fell. “It was too much, Emppu. One thing after the other, and I had no one to turn to. I’m sorry, I know you guys have been through so much because of me. Maybe I should quit the band and let you guys continue on with another singer.” Her voice was choked and Emppu reached out for her, resting a hand on her arm and demanding her attention.

“Anette, none of this was your fault. None of it. Don’t ever think that, okay? And honestly? The band wouldn’t survive two weeks with you gone. You’re the one who keeps us in line.” He was trying to lighten the mood, but it wasn’t having much effect. “Look, Anette. You’re a part of this band. We’re all there for you if you need us. We’ll always have your back. But without you, we’d be lost. Just don’t give up yet. All of this will pass. And I’m sorry that I didn’t see sooner. I should have known.” He gave her a hug, and she clung to him.

“Thank you, Emppu. For everything you’ve done.”

Emppu didn’t trust himself to speak, so he didn’t. He let his silence speak for itself.

 

Finally disengaged, Emppu dared touch upon the subject of telling the police.

“You have to report him, Anette. You would be helping yourself, and anyone else he may have hurt, anyone he might hurt in the future.” He spoke softly, not wanting to upset her. He was surprised when she didn’t react right away.

“But if I do, then I’ll have to face him again.” She spoke quietly, almost though she was talking more to herself than to him.

“The only way to completely remove your fear is to confront it. Make him pay for what he did. You’re strong enough. You’re stronger than him and you can beat him.” He could see that she was nearly convinced. She must have been thinking about it already. He just wanted to see her one step closer to the peace of mind she used to possess. She had the strength, and Emppu knew that she would be able to go through with it, if only she could gather the courage now. “I’ll be there for you, every step of the way.”

That was it, that was his whole argument. He didn’t know what else he could say, but he knew that every word he spoke was the truth and he hoped Anette knew that too. She searched his eyes for any sign that he was lying to make her feel better, but was apparently satisfied that he wasn’t.

“I’ll do it, as soon as we go back to the city.” As soon as the words left her mouth, he could almost see her strong will flood into her, her shoulders straightening, her face grim and determined, as she prepared herself for what wasn’t going to come until at least tomorrow. She’d need a lot of time to prepare herself, Emppu was sure of it. She would be able to handle it. She would finally be able to begin healing.

Chapter 35

{ November 13, 2008 @ 11:38 pm } · { Fellowship }
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35

 

Tuomas was worried. It wasn’t often that he wasn’t worried, true, but he was more worried than usual right now. He was worried about the person they all worried about most these days; Anette. She hadn’t been responding to his e-mails, and upon asking the other guys, he found that she hadn’t replied to them either. They had over a month off now that the short tour had been cancelled, and usually during any time at home, they didn’t see each other, but they still communicated semi-regularly through e-mail and SMS. Now, a week into the break, and Tuomas and the others still hadn’t heard from Anette? Tuomas felt it was completely justified that he be worried, considering how fragile she’d been when last he saw her. Considering what they psychiatrist had told them and considering what she’d done to wind up in the hospital the last time. Knowing how unstable her home life was, Tuomas was definitely afraid that she would try it again, that she still wanted to kill the pain despite what the psychiatrist said. It was on all their minds, he had no doubt of that. That they all felt helpless, he had no doubt of that either. What could they do when she wouldn’t respond to them?

 

Finally, nearing his wit’s end, Tuomas picked up the phone, resolved to call her. He hadn’t yet called her because he didn’t want to seem too clingy or too worried. He had just assumed that her reply e-mail would come, if not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then the day after. He finally accepted that a response wasn’t coming by e-mail, but surely Anette would pick up the phone when she saw it was him calling. He punched in her number, and waited, the phone ringing and ringing, until it finally cut to her answering machine, some recording in Swedish that he didn’t fully understand but knew was saying to leave  a message after the tone. He sighed and hung up. Maybe she was avoiding him, all of them, really, because she had decided that she really did want to quit the band and was trying to figure out how to tell them? Tuomas’ heart sank at this thought, though it was considerably better than the only alternative his mind allowed him: that she had attempted suicide again. Maybe he should fly back out to Sweden? That way she definitely couldn’t avoid him and he could find out what was really going on. He knew the way to her house from the airport now, and he could definitely afford it. He dismissed the thought almost as soon as it occurred to him. That would be overstepping his boundaries. He was her friend and her coworker, but that didn’t give him the right to fly in from another country and show up unannounced on her doorstep because she wasn’t responding to his e-mails. She was probably just busy and he was looking into the situation too deeply. He decided to let this work itself out, as surely it would once the next tour leg was looming closer on the horizon.

 

He needn’t have worried so much, as it turned out. Sitting in his e-mail inbox the next morning was a reply from Anette. He was hesitant to open it, though. This must be her telling me that she’s done with this band, that she can’t handle it. Could I handle it if she quit? He thought, forcing himself to click it open. He breathed a big sigh of relief when he saw how short the response was and how there was absolutely no mention of quitting the band. She wrote that she was sorry she hadn’t responded sooner, but she had been spending every minute possible with Seth. She assured him that she was fine and hoped he was too. Tuomas couldn’t help but laugh at himself. Yes, he’d definitely overreacted. It should have occurred to him that she would spend as much time as possible with her son while she could. That little boy was her heart and soul, and Tuomas could only imagine how painful it had to be for her to even imagine losing him. Of course she would spend every waking moment with him, what had he been thinking?

 

Later in the afternoon, assured now and relieved that Anette was alright, Tuomas called some friends over for a barbecue. He needed to distract himself from all the drama surrounding his band right now, all the thoughts about their future circling in his head. He hoped that even if only for a few hours, he could forget all of that. Even though it wasn’t in her last e-mail to him, Tuomas was convinced Anette was going to leave the band. He couldn’t fathom how she could bring herself to continue in it after all that had happened to her in the past months. He kept trying to force himself to stop thinking about it, but he couldn’t. It nagged at the back of his mind and saddened him. He didn’t want to see her go, he didn’t want to go through the search for yet another singer. He didn’t want to deal with all of that again. If she quit, Nightwish was over. It was getting to be more than he could handle.

Chapter 34

{ November 6, 2008 @ 9:30 pm } · { Fellowship }
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34

He walks towards her and circles her, and there are people, laughing and laughing, calling her names. She’s spinning around and around, but she knows she has to stop, because she’s going to be sick if she doesn’t. He grabs her by the arm, too hard, he’s holding on too hard and she’s trying to tell him that he’s hurting her, but there’s a hand over her mouth and blue, blue eyes, freezing her and she can’t look away. He leans in and whispers in her ear, “Scream for me.” Then she’s spinning again, she wants it to stop, she wants to stop spinning, but she doesn’t know how to stop on her own. Someone grabs her from behind and pulls her backward until she falls. She sees a man standing over her, and it’s Fredrik. “Help me up!” she cries, but he ignores her and walks away, Seth by his side. Someone picks her up off the ground and she sees four wolves surrounding her, their teeth bared at the people still laughing at her. They’re protecting her, but they don’t see one man draw close to her, they don’t see him cup her face with his hand, almost in a caring manner, until he suddenly hits her. She’s spinning again, and she wants it to stop. She wants it all to end.

Damp with sweat, Anette woke, clutching her blankets tightly to her chin. It felt as though her heart was in her throat. She had been trying so hard not to think about it these days, but no amount of conscious suppression could prevent the images and emotions from entering her dreams. This was not the first time in the past weeks that she had woken up from a nightmare like this. They were becoming more and more frequent, though there were slight differences. Sometimes there were no wolves protecting her and the laughter was louder and closer. Sometimes the second man had his hand wrapped in her hair and was pulling her head back as his fingers caressed her exposed throat. Anette truly wished she could clear all these images from her mind, that it would stop tormenting her and she could continue with life as it used to be. She knew that could never happen, or wouldn’t happen for a very long time, and it disheartened her that the memories were always at the back of her mind. Laying in her bed alone, she longed for the warmth of her husband’s arms around her and the comfort his mere presence used to bring. She sighed deeply, trying to push the sadness away, and got out of bed to get a glass of water.

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt genuinely happy. Even when she smiled and when she laughed, it was for the benefit of the others. She didn’t want them to worry, they had all been supportive, they had all tried their best, but she was so…tired. She wanted to be better and to be fine, but she wasn’t. She couldn’t help but think about how different everything would have been if she had only taken a bodyguard with her for that walk, or if she’d never gone for a walk to begin with. She’d been an idiot, and she knew that. When she thought about what the others had been through, what the fans must have felt dealing with all the cancellations, and how everyone was suffering for her, because of her stupidity, she couldn’t shake that feeling of guilt, that feeling that things would be so much better if she wasn’t in any of these people’s lives. Ewo had cancelled the rest of the tour, all because of her. He said that she was definitely not ready to perform and needed time away from the hassle of tour life. Anette knew she couldn’t face crowds of screaming fans night after night, but to disappoint so many people, it was almost more than she could bear. And she knew, she knew this would be interpreted the wrong way by the people who still hadn’t accepted her as Nightwish’s frontwoman. They would cling to this and she would not live it down, a thought which was daunting, to be sure. The guys were really supportive and they told her that they’d make sure everyone understood this wasn’t her decision, but she knew exactly how it would play out. Everything was falling apart, everything was culminating and overwhelming her. She had to face the consequences of her actions every single day, and when she looked in the mirror or at the faces of her band mates, she saw the toll everything was taking. She knew that it was all her fault.

She wanted to go to the police and tell them everything, but the thought of it alone made her sick with anxiety. It wouldn’t be a simple matter of telling the police and being done with it. It would be a matter of going to court and telling a judge and jury everything that happened. It would mean facing the man who had raped her, and she didn’t know if she was prepared to handle that, or if she ever would be. Maybe all of this would go away if she just let it be. Maybe life could go on and she could get over it. Maybe time could work its magic and heal her.

Then there was Nightwish. She trusted the guys, she liked their company and their friendship, but she didn’t think she could go on in the band. It was all too much. Too much publicity, too much drama, too many things going wrong. Anette was slipping, and being in this world famous band, touring all the time, wasn’t helping her at all. Her home life had dissolved, and tour life wasn’t much better. Of course, the shows and the music were incredibly fulfilling, but it wasn’t enough. Though they had not yet fought the custody battle, Anette knew Fredrik would win. Even now, Seth was with him, and Anette was alone. There was no one she could call, no one she felt comfortable calling. She had cut everyone off, all her friends, her family. She didn’t have anything at all. Nightwish was the only constant in her life right now, and she wasn’t sure if it would better or worse to cut that away too, but she was sure that she would have to make up her mind soon. She was holding them back. Maybe it would be better if she quit the band now and let the guys find a new vocalist, allowing them move on with their lives and their careers even if she couldn’t.

A/N (I know, I have a lot of these lately O.o): So, there you have it. The very first dream sequence I have ever written in my writing career (that will likely end as soon as I’m done this fanfic, haha). What do you think? I think it’s okay. It could be better, but then again, the first time trying something new doesn’t often end with excellent results, right? Mehwell, I hope you understand what it all signifies anyway.