Angels Fall First

32

Tuomas felt someone nudging him on the shoulder and blearily opened his eyes, rubbing the sleep from them as he looked around in confusion before remembering they had stayed at the hospital for the night. He stretched his cramped back muscles, rubbing at his neck to ease the pain from sleeping in a chair all night, before finally turning his attention to the person who had woken him.

“Tuomas Holopainen, right?” The nurse asked him. He nodded. “Your friend Anette should be waking up soon if you want to go see her.” Tuomas nodded again and saw that Marco and Jukka were already awake and listening attentively, and Emppu was just waking up now. Tuomas stood and waited impatiently for Emppu to get his lazy ass up, and they all followed the nurse down the hallways to Anette’s room.

On the way, the nurse told them about Anette’s current condition.

“She took a lot, but luckily she got here fast enough that the drugs hadn’t fully entered her system. She could have wound up in a coma, even though she didn’t take a high enough dosage to stop her heart entirely.”

Tuomas felt a mixture of emotions. He was relieved that Anette would be fine, worried to death that she would try it again, and blamed himself for not noticing sooner that she wasn’t as fine as she pretended to be. The nurse kept talking.

“Be sure not to disturb her, and let her wake on her own,” she said, stopping and opening a door quietly. “She may be a bit disoriented and confused when she first wakes up, and her throat will be raw from the stomach pumping, so it’s best if she doesn’t do too much talking.” She smiled kindly at them and the guys slipped in, the nurse shutting the door behind them.

The room was fairly spacious and there were places enough for everyone to sit down, quietly murmuring to each other until Anette awoke. They weren’t talking about anything in particular, carefully avoiding the subject that they all wanted to talk about, Anette’s attempted suicide, and focusing on trivial matters. Not too long passed, maybe half an hour, when they saw Anette’s eyes flutter open. Emppu was at her side immediately and all conversation in the room ceased as Anette looked around, not seeming to truly see them, a distance in her eyes. Emppu placed his hands over hers, compassion clear upon his face. He wanted to say something, Tuomas could see that, but he refrained and gripped her hand tighter. She looked at him, focused on him, and Tuomas could almost see the change in her as she realized where she was and who she was looking at. He couldn’t read what she felt in her face, whether she was relieved or disappointed, she just seemed incredulous. He wanted to ask her, to ask her why she had done it, how long she had been feeling like that, why she had hidden it from them. He knew that there was an underlying problem and that it wasn’t solely because of what Jukka said, there had to be. He didn’t understand how she had been able to fake so well, nor why she would want to. He wanted to know, so badly, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask her. She looked so vulnerable, so broken, right now, and it broke his heart to see her like this, to see that she had given up. He couldn’t ask her those questions because he was afraid of her answers.

“Are you okay?” Emppu asked her, so softly Tuomas could barely hear it, though he wasn’t standing too far from the bed. He hadn’t yet approached her, and Anette seemed oblivious to the presence of himself, Marco and Jukka so far, entirely focused on Emppu. She began to speak, but stopped and raised a hand to her throat. Tuomas winced as he imagined the pain it would cost her to speak in the next couple of days, never even mind sing. She wouldn’t be singing for a little while at least, and he wasn’t even sure if she’d ever want to go back on stage after this. He fervently hoped so, but he had his doubts. She finally turned her head and noticed the rest of them. She smiled a bit and Tuomas stepped up to her bed, but didn’t know what he could possibly say, so instead of speaking, he gave her a hug. She flinched back from him and drew her hand away from Emppu’s, locking herself up again. Tuomas watched the transformation in her and it hurt him so much. He could see that Emppu was hurt as well. They knew why she had done it, they knew how badly everything that had happened to her affected her now, and Tuomas silently decided not to think too much about it, not to let it get to him. He couldn’t help it though, it hurt him that Anette didn’t trust him now. No one spoke, a heavy silence thickening the air between them, until, by some unspoken agreement, the guys left the room, not knowing what else they could do.