Archive for October, 2008

Chapter 33

{ October 30, 2008 @ 3:07 am } · { Fellowship }
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33

 

The psychiatrist approached the guys the next day when they came for their visit. He informed them that he was discharging Anette from the hospital and she was almost ready to go, but he wanted to talk to them first. Emppu didn’t know what to make of that, and they all cautiously took a seat in the waiting room, on the edge of their seats as if they might have to run away on a moment’s notice. The psychiatrist smiled at them warmly, and even though Emppu was sure it was some trick he’d been taught in psychiatrist school to make patients believe he could be trusted (which, considering he was a psychiatrist, he should be), Emppu couldn’t help but calm down at the guy’s smile.

 

“I want you to know what’s going on,” the doctor started calmly, his gaze seeming to rest on all of them at once. “After having evaluated her state of mind, I do find it unlikely that she’ll attempt suicide, which is why I’m discharging her today, but you really need to pull together for her. She needs all the support she can possibly get in this moment of turmoil in her life, and as her friends you need to help her along, help boost her self-esteem and add some structure to the chaos.” Emppu nodded as the psychiatrist paused to let his words sink in. He was telling them to do exactly what they would have done anyway. They weren’t stupid. They knew that Anette was fragile and they knew they had to help her. Emppu was almost offended that the doctor felt the need to actually tell them something so blatantly obvious. He continued, “She’s going to be withdrawn and might seem a little unfocused and lost in her thoughts at times. It’s normal, don’t let that dissuade you from reaching out for her. That she was able to hide how she felt for so long following…quite honestly, it’s surprising. Not many women can pretend so convincingly after such a traumatic occurrence.” Emppu wished he’d just shut up. He wanted to see Anette, he wanted to give her a hug and tell her everything would be fine and they were there for her and he was so, so sorry that he hadn’t seen what she was really going through. He should have been there for her, but he had given up. How could he have given up? What kind of friend did that make him? He snapped out of his thoughts to pay attention to what the psychiatrist was saying now.

“She’s going to trust you four most of everyone, right now, I believe. You’ve been with her from the start and helped her through the worst of the backlash. She might not show it well, in fact, it’s probable that the trust will be tentative at best and always was, but any trust is good.” He paused again and a heavy silence reigned until he spoke again. “She will be okay. She will recover. She just needs time.” But how much?

 

The band headed back to the hotel a little while later. Anette looked completely exhausted and Emppu worried about her constantly. She couldn’t be sleeping right, but who was he fooling if he thought she’d had a good night’s sleep ever since that trip to Helsinki? He sighed mournfully, knowing full well there was absolutely nothing he could do about it, and headed to his own room as they all parted ways. It wasn’t much later that Emppu headed back out into the hallway with the intention of buying some alcohol from the bar downstairs and happened across Anette, who was at the vending machine buying some Halls. He walked up to her.

“How are you feeling?”

“Throat hurts.” Her voice was raspy, her throat still raw from the stomach pumping.

“Hope they help, “ said Emppu, indicating the Halls she was holding. She nodded with barely a smile. Emppu shifted his weight uncomfortably, wanting to say something to her but unsure exactly what. She watched him steadily and curiosly, no doubt wondering what was just on the tip of his tongue. When he didn’t say anything, she started to walk past him, back to her room.

“What happened, Anette? Why?” he blurted. She froze and lowered her head, not saying anything. Emppu took a step towards her. “Please, I need to know.” He was concerned about her, he wanted to know she wouldn’t try to again. He needed to know.

“I…I can’t talk about it, Emppu,” said Anette, “I’m sorry.” She walked away without looking back.

A/N: I KNOW. It’s short as FUCK. I’m honestly sorry. WTF is wrong with me that I can’t write as much as I used to? D:

Chapter 32

{ October 22, 2008 @ 11:03 pm } · { Fellowship }
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32

 

Tuomas felt someone nudging him on the shoulder and blearily opened his eyes, rubbing the sleep from them as he looked around in confusion before remembering they had stayed at the hospital for the night. He stretched his cramped back muscles, rubbing at his neck to ease the pain from sleeping in a chair all night, before finally turning his attention to the person who had woken him.

“Tuomas Holopainen, right?” The nurse asked him. He nodded. “Your friend Anette should be waking up soon if you want to go see her.” Tuomas nodded again and saw that Marco and Jukka were already awake and listening attentively, and Emppu was just waking up now. Tuomas stood and waited impatiently for Emppu to get his lazy ass up, and they all followed the nurse down the hallways to Anette’s room.

 

On the way, the nurse told them about Anette’s current condition.

“She took a lot, but luckily she got here fast enough that the drugs hadn’t fully entered her system. She could have wound up in a coma, even though she didn’t take a high enough dosage to stop her heart entirely.”

Tuomas felt a mixture of emotions. He was relieved that Anette would be fine, worried to death that she would try it again, and blamed himself for not noticing sooner that she wasn’t as fine as she pretended to be. The nurse kept talking.

“Be sure not to disturb her, and let her wake on her own,” she said, stopping and opening a door quietly. “She may be a bit disoriented and confused when she first wakes up, and her throat will be raw from the stomach pumping, so it’s best if she doesn’t do too much talking.” She smiled kindly at them and the guys slipped in, the nurse shutting the door behind them.

 

The room was fairly spacious and there were places enough for everyone to sit down, quietly murmuring to each other until Anette awoke. They weren’t talking about anything in particular, carefully avoiding the subject that they all wanted to talk about, Anette’s attempted suicide, and focusing on trivial matters. Not too long passed, maybe half an hour, when they saw Anette’s eyes flutter open. Emppu was at her side immediately and all conversation in the room ceased as Anette looked around, not seeming to truly see them, a distance in her eyes. Emppu placed his hands over hers, compassion clear upon his face. He wanted to say something, Tuomas could see that, but he refrained and gripped her hand tighter. She looked at him, focused on him, and Tuomas could almost see the change in her as she realized where she was and who she was looking at. He couldn’t read what she felt in her face, whether she was relieved or disappointed, she just seemed incredulous. He wanted to ask her, to ask her why she had done it, how long she had been feeling like that, why she had hidden it from them. He knew that there was an underlying problem and that it wasn’t solely because of what Jukka said, there had to be. He didn’t understand how she had been able to fake so well, nor why she would want to. He wanted to know, so badly, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask her. She looked so vulnerable, so broken, right now, and it broke his heart to see her like this, to see that she had given up. He couldn’t ask her those questions because he was afraid of her answers.

 

“Are you okay?” Emppu asked her, so softly Tuomas could barely hear it, though he wasn’t standing too far from the bed. He hadn’t yet approached her, and Anette seemed oblivious to the presence of himself, Marco and Jukka so far, entirely focused on Emppu. She began to speak, but stopped and raised a hand to her throat. Tuomas winced as he imagined the pain it would cost her to speak in the next couple of days, never even mind sing. She wouldn’t be singing for a little while at least, and he wasn’t even sure if she’d ever want to go back on stage after this. He fervently hoped so, but he had his doubts. She finally turned her head and noticed the rest of them. She smiled a bit and Tuomas stepped up to her bed, but didn’t know what he could possibly say, so instead of speaking, he gave her a hug. She flinched back from him and drew her hand away from Emppu’s, locking herself up again. Tuomas watched the transformation in her and it hurt him so much. He could see that Emppu was hurt as well. They knew why she had done it, they knew how badly everything that had happened to her affected her now, and Tuomas silently decided not to think too much about it, not to let it get to him. He couldn’t help it though, it hurt him that Anette didn’t trust him now. No one spoke, a heavy silence thickening the air between them, until, by some unspoken agreement, the guys left the room, not knowing what else they could do.

Chapter 31

{ October 16, 2008 @ 6:26 pm } · { Fellowship }
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A/N: I’m terribly sorry for how Anette’s turned all Sue-ish in this story. I don’t even know how that wound up happening. But anyways, I’m trying my best to fix that. Hopefully it’s not too late to redeem myself for the butchery of her character.

 

31

 

Emppu and Marco were sitting together in the bar in the hotel lobby, enjoying a beer and conversation. Emppu seemed to appreciate inane conversations so much more these days, probably because every conversation he had with Anette or Tuomas seemed to be dreadfully serious. Sometimes a guy just needed to relax for a bit. As he and Marco joked about the people in the bar, Emppu noticed, through the window, an ambulance pulling up to the hotel and paramedics rushing out with a stretcher. Mildly curious about it, but not enough to ask, Emppu turned his attention back to quenching his thirst. It wasn’t until later, when the same paramedics were rushing back to the ambulance with someone wrapped up on the gurney, a breathing mask obscuring their face, that the two men in the bar paid attention. For following the paramedics was none other than Tuomas and Jukka. Emppu had a sinking feeling in his stomach that he knew precisely who that was on the gurney, and a glance at Marco showed that he thought the very same. They quickly left the bar, hurrying to catch up with Jukka and Tuomas.

 

There was no need to hurry though; the ambulance had driven off, leaving the poet and the drummer looking forlorn. Emppu approached them.

“What happened?” he asked softly. Neither answered him, though he could see the muscles in Tuomas’ jaw working. The silence lingered.

“I’m calling a cab,” Tuomas said through clenched teeth, going back into the hotel. The three remaining men watched him go, none saying anything. After a brief moment, Tuomas returned. “It should be here soon,” he said. Jukka started pacing and Emppu shifted his weight from foot to foot. Tuomas stood absolutely still, seemingly absorbed in his melancholy, and Marco sat cross-legged on the ground, looking peevish. They were all impatient to be at the hospital and it seemed to be taking far too long for the cab to arrive.

 

In truth, it couldn’t have taken more than ten minutes for the cab to pull up in front of them, though Emppu could have sworn it was hours. Emppu, Tuomas and Jukka squeezed into the back seat as Marco took the front and told the driver where to bring them. They zoomed off to the hospital and, upon arrival, rushed into the emergency room, where the secretary calmly told them they’d have to wait for any information regarding her status. This was mightily displeasing to Emppu, who was experiencing quite the déja vu. He knew already they would have to play the same waiting game that they had not terribly long ago following Anette’s attack after the show in Helsinki. Why was everything repeating itself? Would Anette quit the band after all this? He wouldn’t blame her if she did, but he definitely didn’t relish the thought. Not only did he not want to go through the process of finding a new singer again, but the thought of losing a friend like Anette almost didn’t bear thinking about. It had been incredibly difficult with Tarja, with whom he had remained friends up until the end, despite the bad air between her and the others. He didn’t know if he could handle losing Anette too, if any of them could. He sent a quick prayer that she would be fine and continue on in the band, but if he was being honest with himself, he didn’t see it happening, a thought which saddened him to no end. He wondered if the others were worrying about that too.

 

Returning from one of many trips to the vending machine, Emppu decided to clear up what exactly happened and took a seat next to Tuomas, who was reading a newspaper. Jukka sat on Tuomas’ other side.

“What happened?” he asked. Tuomas looked at him, and Emppu could see that the man was completely exhausted, both emotionally and physically.

“Jukka was pounding on her door, I went out to see what was going on. Anette wasn’t opening the door, so the hotel manager unlocked it. Then we found her passed out on the floor. I’m pretty sure she overdosed on her anti-depressants.” Tuomas spoke matter-of-factly, though Emppu knew he was trying to disconnect himself from the pain. Emppu was surprised at this news and had no idea what to say. Anette had attempted suicide? Then things were so much worse than any of them thought.

“It’s my fault,” Jukka said quietly.

“How?” Emppu asked.

“I told her that…I said she had to tell the police. That…this was affecting everyone. That it happened every day.” Jukka’s voice was pained, filled with guilt, and he didn’t look at either of them as he spoke. Emppu could tell this was news to Tuomas as well, whose eyes had grown wide. Emppu bit back his urge to reproach Jukka, who should have known that was not the way to handle the situation, because he could see the man was tormented with guilt.

“It’s not your fault, Jukka. It’s all of ours. None of us noticed how badly she was faring,” said Tuomas softly. He was right.

 

After many long hours with nothing to do but read magazines, eat junk food, talk, and text, a nurse finally approached them. Marco had fallen asleep in his chair and Emppu prodded him awake, trying to keep his own eyes open. They hadn’t gotten any sleep yet that night and were all quite exhausted from the show. Tuomas has been nodding off in his chair, but snapped alert at the sight of the nurse. She smiled wanly at them.

“Well, her condition’s stable.”

There was a collective sigh of relief ‘midst the band mates.

“So can we see her, then?” Marco asked. The nurse shook her head.

“No, I’m afraid not. She needs to be monitored for at least a day to make sure the drugs are completely cleared from her system. She’s in no condition to take visitors right now, but tomorrow you can go see her.”

Tuomas nodded, but looked disappointed. He turned to the other men as the nurse left.

“Well, I guess we could just stay here for the night. I don’t care to go back to the hotel.”

There was consensus amongst the group and they all settled in for the night.

Chapter 30

{ October 8, 2008 @ 12:10 pm } · { Fellowship }
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30

 

Laying on his bed and looking at the ceiling, lost in his thoughts, Tuomas was rudely interrupted by a pounding on the door of the room next to his; Anette’s room.  Over and over, someone pounding – not just knocking, Tuomas could tell – on her door, shouting, “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!” over and over again. Annoyed and curious, Tuomas finally got up to investigate , and as he got closer to his door, he was able to identify the voice as Jukka’s. Now alarmed, Tuomas pulled open his door and stuck his head out into the hallway.

“What’s going on, Jukka?”

Jukka jumped in surprise, and sagged with relief when he saw that it was Tuomas.

“I said something to Anette that I shouldn’t have. She won’t open the door for me.” He looked desperate, but Tuomas couldn’t help feeling mildly amused. Anette was being quite childish.

“Here, let me try,” he said sagely, stepping out into the hall and in front of Anette’s door. He knocked on it twice. “Anette, open up. It’s Tuomas.”

No response.

Tuomas frowned and knocked on the door again, a bit harder. “Please open the door, Anette. I have to talk to you.”

Still no answer. Tuomas turned to Jukka. “You’re sure she’s in her room?” he asked, puzzled. The drummer nodded, looking worried, and knocked on the door again.

“Please, Anette. I’m so sorry about what I said. I wasn’t thinking. Open the door.”

There wasn’t a single sound of life on the other side of the door and Tuomas was getting worried. He pounded on the door with his palm.

“Open the door, Anette. This isn’t funny. Jukka’s apologized, what more do you want? Let us in.”

He paused and the two of them stood absolutely still, listening for any sound on the other side. Nothing. Without thinking, Tuomas began pounding on the door recklessly. Why wasn’t she answering? Was she okay? What had Jukka said? Why wouldn’t she open the door?! He knew he had to be annoying everyone else on the floor, and sure enough, a few minutes later the hotel manager approached them.

“Is there a problem here?” the manager, a short, balding man in his late 40s, asked.

“Yes, actually, there is. I’m worried something may have happened to my friend. She won’t answer the door.”

The manager looked at him in disbelief, and, obviously annoyed to be bothered with such lunacy, rapped on the door with his knuckles.

“This is hotel management. Please open the door.”

Nobody answered him.

“Is everything alright in there?” he asked after a pause. Getting no response to this either, he knocked again. Still no reply, so he called through the door, “I’m coming into the room.” From his pocket, he pulled out a keycard and swiped it through, opening the door to reveal an apparently empty room, though the light was on.

 

The three men walked cautiously into the room, but saw no sign of Anette ever having returned. The manager turned on Tuomas.

“Was this some kind of joke? Well, nicely done, you had me fooled!” The short man’s face was livid, blotchy red with anger as he fumed. Before he had a chance to continue, Jukka called out to them from the bathroom.

“Tuomas! Come quick!”

Worried at the tone of Jukka’s voice, the panic, Tuomas rushed to bathroom  to see what had Jukka so shocked, the manager following. There, on the floor, Anette lay unconscious. Tuomas stood stock still, shocked beyond thinking, as Jukka kneeled down beside her and checked her pulse and the manager hurried back into the other room to call some paramedics.

“She’s just unconscious,” Jukka breathed, lifting her head into his lap, his face screwed up in guilt. Tuomas, his shock wearing off, began to look around, to see if he could find the cause of her unconsciousness. It was right in front of him; a half-empty bottle of anti-depressants on the counter. She’d done this to herself…on purpose? Tuomas hoped with all his soul that she hadn’t done this on purpose, but the evidence was irrefutable. She had to have been aware what would happen if she overdosed. He closed his eyes, a leaden ball of conflicting emotions forming in the pit of his stomach. Was Anette too far gone to save?

 

“What happened, do you know?” The manager’s voice pulled Tuomas from his sadness and he nodded even though his back was to the man.

“Yes. She overdosed.” He could hear the pain in his voice and tried to choke it back. The was a thick silence at these words, Jukka likely shocked to hear it and the manager unsure what he should say.

“Well, the paramedics are on their way. The hospital is a good distance away, but it shouldn’t take them very long,” said the manager, finally. Tuomas nodded again and felt a heaviness settle over him, a pain take hold of his heart. This would be the second time Anette was being driven away in an ambulance, the third time she’d be in the hospital. He sent up a silent prayer that this would be the last time, and vowed to make sure it was.

Chapter 29

{ October 4, 2008 @ 12:09 am } · { Fellowship }
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29

 

Two weeks had passed since the band’s performance in Gothenburg. Anette had nearly begged Ewo to cancel the planned show in Joensuu, and Ewo explained later to the rest of the band that she had told him that she didn’t feel safe going back to Finland. Unable to reason with her, Ewo had the show cancelled, and, after double-checking with the rest of the band, all the other shows in the country already booked for the upcoming tour. Ewo also informed them that shows in Austria and France had been pulled from the schedule, leaving longer breaks and less traveling between the shows they would still be playing in Sweden, Denmark, Germany and the Netherlands. Jukka was glad that Ewo had everything under control, though he knew that countless fans would be angered and upset at all the cancellations. He hoped that they would be understanding, but, imagining himself in their shoes, he knew that it would be a hard thing to do.

 

They were gathered outside the buses and the venue where they were to be performing tonight in Oslo, Norway, a fairly comfortable silence permeating the air around the members of the band. Emppu, beer in one hand, was texting someone with his other, as Tuomas and Marco dragged thoughtfully on their cigarettes. Jukka was shifting his weight from foot to foot, immersed in his thoughts, and Anette was staring vacantly at the pavement, just as immersed in her thoughts. Nobody spoke, but there was no need to when there was nothing to be said. Long moments passed, and finally Tuomas dropped his cigarette butt to the ground, crushing it with the toe of his shoe, and the spell was broken.

“Guess we should get ready for soundcheck, eh?” Marco said, putting out his own cigarette butt. Emppu nodded in response, pocketing his cell phone as Marco headed into the venue. He touched Anette’s back as he passed and she smiled dazedly at him, though he kept on walking, following Marco inside. A small smile flashed briefly across Tuomas’ features as he looked at Anette, hopeful, but at her non-response, he turned to go inside as well.

“Come on,” said Jukka. “Don’t stand around out here, or I can almost guarantee that some fan or another will find you.” She smiled, though it never reached her eyes, and nodded.

“Yes, I don’t think I can deal with that today.”

Jukka frowned in concern. “Is something bothering you, Anette?” he asked, knowing even as the words left his mouth that there was probably always something bothering her lately. That she was able to seem so calm in the face of everything that had happened to her simply astounded him.

“It’s nothing, really. It’s just –” she didn’t meet his eyes, “It’s just that my husband and I are getting a divorce.” Jukka nodded and his frown deepened. All the guys were aware that the two had been separated for months now, and had assumed it was only a matter of time before the divorce was official. Why would that be bothering Anette now? “Well, he’s actually moving out now. He never bothered finding an apartment, he thought I’d never go through with it. But he moved all his stuff out.” Jukka still didn’t really understand why Anette was upset. She had paused, her eyes scanning Jukka’s face, looking to see his reaction. He forced his frown away, trying to keep his features impassive because he knew she wasn’t finished yet. She didn’t continue, so Jukka prompted her.

“But that’s not what’s really bothering you, is it?”

She shook her head no.

“He wants full custody of Seth – and I know he’s going to get it.” She looked at the ground, and Jukka, a wave of sympathy washing over him, wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug, surprised at how delicate she seemed. She relaxed and took a deep breath as though to calm herself as Jukka stepped away from her, though he kept a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, Anette. I really am. It won’t be as though you’ll see Seth any less than you do normally with the touring now. I’m sure you’ll still get to see him every day that you’re home.” Jukka was trying to cheer her up, but he wasn’t sure that he was succeeding.

“I know. It’s not the same though. It’s…not the same.”

Jukka nodded his understanding; imagining how it would feel if he and Satu weren’t together and he didn’t have full custody of Luna and Niki. He knew it had to be a completely different level of pain for Anette, because she was a mother. Unsure what to say, he gestured that they should go inside, and Anette silently led the way.

 

The band’s overall performance that night was disappointing, the atmosphere tense between the members, despite the fact that being on-stage always helped them relax and cheer up. None of them were on their top game, none of them were their usual selves, weighed down with all the problems occurring of late. It was obvious that the audience was aware that something was wrong, but it was equally obvious that they were still enjoying themselves, which was a relief. Though as they left the stage following their final bow, there was silence and stony faces, even from Emppu.  As they were packing up the stuff they had backstage, Jukka noticed Tuomas and Anette immersed in a deep conversation just out of earshot. He observed for a while the argument, Tuomas looking stern at first, though his features transformed into compassion and sympathy in a matter of minutes. Jukka cocked his head to one side, curious as to what they were talking about and deciding to ask Tuomas after. He didn’t have to wait long for that opportunity, for just a few minutes after he’d turned his attention back to collecting his stuff into his bag, Tuomas came up beside him and began packing his own bag. He let the silence linger for a moment before asking the question as he zipped his bag shut.

“What were you two talking about?”

Tuomas paused and ran a hand over his face. “I was trying to get her to talk to the police…again.”

“Why?”

“She has to tell them, it’s the only way to get this guy back. But she refuses to.”

“Why didn’t she go to the police right away, though?”

“She was scared – she still is.” Tuomas wasn’t looking at Jukka, but Jukka could still see that the maestro was stressed, his hands balled into fists at his sides. Jukka knew how frustrated he had to be, not necessarily with Anette, but himself for not being able to stick to his guns and convince her to talk to the proper authorities.

“What in the world could she be afraid of? If she told the police what he looked like and they caught him, then she wouldn’t have to be afraid anymore!”

“It’s not that simple, Jukka,” Tuomas said, finally meeting the drummer’s eyes. “I think she’s always going to be afraid. Locking him up isn’t going to erase what he did to her.” Tuomas’ expression grew pained as he looked away again. He couldn’t bear seeing Anette like this. “It would help, though, ease her mind. It would…make sure he never did it again. I don’t know what she’s afraid of…I wish…I just don’t know. I’ve been trying  for a while now, asking her to go talk to the police. She won’t. She’s scared.”

Jukka sighed. No one was confronting her, no one was being straight with her. They were too afraid to hurt her feelings, or something. Jukka didn’t care at that moment, he was fed up. Anette had to go to the police, she had to see that her fears were irrational and that it was almost a duty to go to the police and tell them what happened, to catch the bastard who hurt her.

 

Seething with frustration, weighed down with disappointment from the show, Jukka stalked the hotel, up and down hallways and through the lobby, trying to get some of his anger out. Focused on his frustration, when Jukka saw Anette walking to the ice machine, he marched straight up to her.

“Tell them. Tell the cops,” he said as she looked up in surprise. The confusion passed from her face as she realized what he was talking about.

“I – I can’t, Jukka I –”

“You have to. Everyone is hurting, can’t you see that? Everyone. You’re not that special and things like this happen ever day. The only way to stop him from hurting any other women is to talk to the police, let them handle this, they can take care of it.” His voice was raised, coloured with anger. She said nothing, though her eyes were filled with hurt and tears. She shook her head and pushed past him, rushing back down the hall to her room. Jukka stood still for a moment as the last of his frustration dissipated and, with horror, it dawned on him what he had just said, and he took off after her towards her room. What had he done?