Archive for May, 2008

Chapter 20

{ May 28, 2008 @ 12:02 pm } · { Fellowship }
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20

 

Anette’s on-stage freak out worried him, and as Marco, Jukka and Tuomas went to play While Your Lips Are Still Red, Emppu did his best to comfort her, telling her that everything would be alright, and no one would hurt her, and she’d be kept safe. As the song wore on, she stopped crying, and when Emppu had to go back to stage, he calmly told Anette to wait for them until the end of the show. She’d nodded, but she wasn’t focused on him, her eyes with a faraway look. With a small sigh, Emppu gave her a quick hug and went back on-stage, wishing with all his heart that he didn’t have to, that he could stay with Anette and keep her safe.

“What song are we playing?” he hissed to Jukka as he joined them on the stage.

“Tides, I think.”

Emppu closed his eyes. He didn’t know the song that well, but Marco had taught him the guitar part once, and the entire band was somewhat familiar with it, and at least it wasn’t too difficult. He opened his eyes again, and quietly said to Jukka, “Well, here goes nothing.” The drummer nodded, his eyes moving past Emppu to Marco, who was saying something to the crowd in a far less animated tone than usual.

“Well, there are some changes today. Anette isn’t gonna come back to the stage, so we’re gonna play some songs from my other band Tarot, and some cover songs,” he said. Someone in the crowd booed, and Marco rubbed his temples. “Look, we’re really sorry, we didn’t want this to happen. We wanna play as Nightwish as much as you wanna see Nightwish, but this is the best we can do.” He turned and made a gesture to Tuomas, who started playing the opening piano bit as Emppu made his way to the front of the stage. Emppu wasn’t smiling when they started playing, and he tried to ignore the mistakes he made, the mistakes Tuomas and Jukka made. Every gig had mistakes, but to him it seemed like these ones were so much more glaring than usual, and he could tell the crowd wasn’t as energetic as they would normally be, and he knew he wasn’t. He barely smiled for the rest of the night as the band played tunes they were all familiar with, like Symphony of Destruction and Enter Sandman. It was all that they could do.

 

When he came off stage, he immediately looked for Anette, but she was nowhere to be found. Small alarms began ringing in his head, and he asked Ewo, forcing himself not too raise his voice with worry, where she was.

“I don’t know, she said she was going to the bus,” was the manager’s reply when he was questioned. Emppu’s eyes widened. She had gone to the bus? Left the venue? Why would she do that? Didn’t she know that it wasn’t safe? What was she thinking?! “Don’t worry, she has a bodyguard with her.” That did little to calm the worried metal elf, but it did soothe him a little bit. At least there was someone protecting her. Marco suggested they go try to coax her to have a few drinks, and Emppu immediately set off ahead, letting the others follow behind him. He had to see her, had to know she was okay.

 

Arriving at the a thick steel door that was the exit, Emppu pulled it open with such force that he hurt his shoulder, but he had to pause a moment as his eyes adjusted to the dimness outside. And then he saw them, their silhouettes, really, and he heard Anette crying even from here. He knew what was happening, and he couldn’t think through the anger that suddenly filled his mind. He could hear Niko’s approaching footsteps (ever since he’d befriended the man, he’d insisted that Niko be his permanent bodyguard), and he quickly looked  back, finding the man’s hulking form closer than he’d expected, in fact right behind him. Emppu didn’t say anything but headed out, and he heard the door slam shut behind him. The man who stood over Anette, with her hair clenched in his fist and his other hand undoing the zipper on her dress, looked up sharply as Emppu quickened his pace.

“Get the fuck away from her, asshole!” he shouted, and the man yanked Anette around so he was facing Emppu, holding her just in front of him. She cried out, and Emppu felt sick to hear it. That’s when he noticed the other two, one having taken a step closer, the other hanging back in the shadows. The man smiled, though his eyes were hooded.

“Make me.”

Niko was beside Emppu now, towering beside him, in fact. The rapist’s associate, the one who had stepped out of the shadows, muttered something that Emppu couldn’t hear clearly, and then the man leaned forward, yanking Anette’s head back with the hand that was still wrapped in her hair, and whispered something in her ear, his eyes never leaving Emppu’s as his right hand pushed under her arm and ran up her stomach, up to her chest. She whimpered, and the rage built up even higher in Emppu, who took another step forward, but then Niko was there, fast as lightning, his fist connecting with the man’s jaw so forcefully that Emppu heard a crack. There was the sound of another pair of feet running up to them, and Emppu quickly glanced back to see Tuomas, even as the man finally released Anette, who fell to the ground as he stumbled back. The guy in the shadows took off running, and the other looked around in confusion for a moment before following. There was only the one left, and he quickly got up and started running, but Emppu wasn’t about to give up that easily, so he gave chase, Niko following. It was time that this guy paid the price for what he’d done.

 

They ran for a long time, but anger provided Emppu with the adrenaline needed and he didn’t feel tired. Niko kept pace with him, and the person they were chasing started slowing down. Finally they caught up with him, and Niko slammed another fist into the man’s face. He fell, sprawled onto the ground, and Emppu walked over and kicked him forcefully in the ribs.

“What the fuck is your problem?” he demanded, punctuating each word with a kick. He wasn’t thinking clearly; all he could think about was what this man had done to Anette, how he’d hurt her in more ways than one, how he broke her, and everything Emppu had felt for her through her ordeal but hadn’t shown exploded in him, each kick coming faster, harder, as tears formed in his eyes. He kept asking the same question, over and over, kick after kick, until he realized that the man wasn’t moving anymore, and Niko tugged on his arm.

“We have to go back to Anette. I think we taught this guy a lesson, and I’ve already called the police, who are supposed to be here right away. I doubt he’s going anywhere,” the big bodyguard said. Emppu nodded, casting one last disgusted look at the unconscious form of Anette’s rapist, before he started jogging back to the back lane. He was tired now, and found he wasn’t able to jog the entire way, so he slowed to a walk, trying to catch his breath. Right as he was coming up to the back lane, he bumped into Marco and Jukka. He was impatient, didn’t feel like talking to them, just wanted to get back to Anette, to make sure she was okay, to make her be okay again. But when he got there, he saw she was gone, and Marco explained that she went to the hospital. Emppu closed his eyes, breathing a breath of relief, trying to get rid of the pressure in his chest, the choking in his throat. She would be okay, she had to be. Tears came to his eyes, but he brushed them away and said, “Then why are we still here? We have to be there for her.” He turned to Marco now, but the he was already walking away and Emppu jogged a bit to catch up. Jukka had been standing on the sidewalk chatting with his bodyguard, and they all joined up, the three guys and their bodyguards, and started walking to the Aurora hospital, which was just under a kilometre away. They barely spoke on the way there, each lost to their own thoughts.

 

It was only about a ten minute walk, and when they got there, Emppu was the first at the counter.

“Excuse me,” he said, hearing the strain in his own voice. The receptionist didn’t look up at him, but continued sorting through her files.

“Yes?” she said, putting the files aside and finally focusing on him.

“I need to know what room Anette Olzon’s in.”

The woman paused for a moment, thinking, and then said, “She’s going through a medical examination right now. A doctor will see you when it’s finished. Are you family?”

“The closest she’s got right now.” He saw the receptionist’s eyes flick to the other band members, and she nodded. She recognized them.

“I’ll have the doctor let you know, then.” She turned to her computer screen and Emppu trudged over to the waiting area, exhausted, and told the others what the receptionist told him. Now all they could do was wait, and hope for the best.

Chapter 19

{ May 21, 2008 @ 2:03 pm } · { Fellowship }
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19

 

He didn’t know how he’d be able to sing While Your Lips Are Still Red with the anger fuelling inside him, but he had to, for Tuomas, for the fans who had done nothing wrong. And as he sang the sweet, enchanting lyrics about love and passion, he couldn’t help but wonder who it was that had raped Anette as he scanned the faces of the fans in the front row. Whoever did it was so close, Marco would be able to exact his revenge, if only he knew who it was. And yet he had no way of knowing, and all he could do was sing and pretend that everything was fine. Nobody seemed to be the culprit, not to his eyes. Everyone was watching him, or Tuomas, many with shining eyes and adoration writ plain upon their faces. And as the night wore on, the guys playing Tarot songs and a few covers, he relaxed, telling himself that Anette had to be mistaken, because nobody there seemed malicious, everyone getting into the music, though he could tell that some were disappointed by Anette’s lack of reappearance on stage. He had to admit that he was disappointed too, because they weren’t really Nightwish without her, and none of them were giving it their all, too worried about Anette to do so, so the concert was pretty much a bust. The four of them took a final bow, but Marco and Tuomas barely took the time to shake any hands before quickly heading off the stage. There was no encore.

 

“Where is she?” Emppu asked the question quietly, having come off the stage to find that Anette wasn’t there.

“I don’t know, she said she was going back to the bus,” Ewo replied. He must have seen the anxiety on all their faces because he quickly added, “Don’t worry, she has a bodyguard with her.” Marco felt something that had been held taut inside him loosen a bit, though he knew he’d feel better once he actually saw Anette and saw that she was fine. He could see it in all the other guys’ faces as well.

“Well okay, let’s go to the bus then, and see if we can coax her to come for a couple of drinks before we head back to the hotel,” Marco said gruffly, motioning for them to leave. Jukka fell into step beside him as they walked out, Emppu having taken off ahead of them and Tuomas trailing behind. Both Jukka and Marco knew better than to bother Tuomas when he had the look about him that he had; contemplative, partially depressed, partially angry. Marco guessed that he was writing lyrics in his head right now.

 

As they walked through the venue, they didn’t say much, finding that there was nothing to say, pleasantries being too light given what had happened tonight. Marco’s head snapped up abruptly when he heard a slamming noise, Jukka’s attention following the noise as well. Before he had a chance to react, Tuomas was pushing his way past him, rushing to exit the building, eyes wide and worried. Marco and Jukka exchanged a perplexed glance before chasing after the keyboardist. The back exit door was closed when they got there, meaning Tuomas had gotten further ahead, had been rushing faster, though to what was yet to be found out. Taking a deep breath, Marco pulled the door open and stepped out into the spring air, slightly cold now that it was night. It took his eyes a moment to adjust to the dim lighting back here, the lamps on either side of the door giving off a very slight orange glow. He could see the silhouette of the bus, maybe half a block away, but he couldn’t see any of the band members. Jukka stepped out behind him, and then Marco saw a movement. Tuomas, crouched over someone who was laying on the ground. He stepped closer to him, and then saw another form laying on the ground a few meters from where Tuomas was.

What the hell happened here?! Marco wondered as he made his way to the other person. Crouching down, he saw that it was Anette’s bodyguard, blood trickling from his nose onto the pavement, but thankfully he was breathing. It took a moment for Marco to register what it meant if Anette’s security measure had been defeated, and when it did he quickly rushed over to where Tuomas was, looking around for Jukka but not finding the drummer anywhere, nor could he see Emppu. He didn’t have to guess who Tuomas was crouched over, because he knew. He knew from the way Tuomas had her head cradled in his lap as he kneeled on the hard ground, from how he kept stroking her face and hair as though telling her everything would be okay.

 

He quietly stepped over to the two of them, unable to see clearly their faces this far from the light around the door.

“Tuomas, what happened?” Marco half-whispered. Now that he was closer, he could hear Anette’s soft sobs, and it made his heart twist in sympathy.

“I…I don’t know.” Tuomas’ voice cracked on the last word as he hunched over Anette, who was laying on her side, completely defeated and broken. Marco didn’t know what to do, whether he should stay or go. He took another quick look around the back alley.

“Where are Emppu and Jukka?”

Tuomas looked up, though his face was obscured by shadows, and shook his head.

“I don’t know.”

Marco nodded, but then realized Tuomas may not have seen the movement and so said, “Okay. I’ll check the bus.” Tuomas nodded in return and turned his attention back to Anette as Marco walked away.

 

Nobody was on the bus. In fact, there was no sign that anybody had entered the bus at all. Sighing, Marco clumped down the stairs, and saw a crowd of people around where Tuomas and Anette were. Rushing over there, thinking it might be fans, he found instead Jukka, Ewo, some more security and other crew members.

“We called an ambulance, they’re coming right away to pick her up,” Jukka said as Marco approached. The bassist nodded and glanced again at Tuomas and Anette. Anette was sitting up now as Tuomas hugged her tightly and she cried into his shoulder.

“Do you know what happened?” Marco asked. The drummer shook his head.

“Do you know where Emppu is, then?” Again, Jukka shook his head.

“Sorry,” was all he said. Where had Emppu gone to?

 

Marco could hear sirens approaching them, could see flashing lights growing brighter as the ambulance pulled into the back lane and paramedics jumped out, pulling down a stretcher and walking over to Anette as the crowd of crew, security and band members parted for them. As they helped her onto the stretcher, Marco caught a view of her face, the tearstains, the split lip and distinct red mark on her cheek. She lay down on the stretcher and the paramedics loaded her into the ambulance, Tuomas hopping in after her, and then the doors were closed and the ambulance sped away to the hospital. There was still no sign of the guitarist, so Marco indicated to Jukka that they should go look for him. The other man nodded and followed Marco silently, their bodyguards keeping close, and as they turned the corner to go out onto the street, they came face to face with Emppu himself, who was heaving as though he had run a long distance.

“Emppu, where did you go?”

“Chased down that bastard.” Emppu quickly pushed past them and headed into the back lane.

“She’s on her way to the hospital now,” Marco said, placing a hand on Emppu’s shoulder. The guitarist was very still, but Marco could feel a tiny bit of tension released at his words, as Emppu’s shoulders slumped slightly. They stood in silence for a brief moment, and then Emppu quickly brushed at his eyes with the back of his hand and, without looking at Marco, said, “Then why are we still here? We have to be there for her.”

Marco nodded, and as he walked away, he plotted how he could get back at the man who had hurt Anette, and he could make things better.

Chapter 18

{ May 14, 2008 @ 2:15 pm } · { Fellowship }
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18

 

Finally Thursday came, meaning the first concert since she’d been attacked three weeks ago. She had been over-thinking it all through Wednesday, withdrawn, lost in all the nightmares of what might go wrong. Surely he wouldn’t show his face though, and even if he did, he wouldn’t dare attack her before or after the concert. In fact, she probably wouldn’t even recognize him if he was there, given the setting. She consoled herself with this and never spoke her worries to the other band members, not wanting to cause them undue concern. When she went for soundcheck, though, everything seemed to fall into place and she could feel nothing but the joy in the music flooding around her. She and Emppu joked around and slow danced on the floor while Marco sang While Your Lips Are Still Red, though Emppu was a hopeless dancer and stepped on Anette’s feet so often that she finally just gave up.

“You’re an atrocious dancer!” she teased and Emppu grinned.

“Only when I’m dancing with you!” He ran a few steps away and laughed. “You run like a girl!” he said when Anette tried to chase him but had to stop because of her high heels.

“You may have won the battle…” she raised her fist in mock-threat. “But you haven’t won the war!”

“You guys,” Marco said through the mic. “Stop fooling around and let’s get back to this.” He tried to sound stern, but Anette could hear the laughter in his voice.

“Oh, alright,” she replied with an over-dramatic sigh, stomping back to the stage so they could finish soundcheck.

 

The crowd was screaming as the intro music started.

“You ready?” Jukka asked, lightly grabbing her arm. Anette smiled weakly, but couldn’t speak through the butterflies in her stomach. He smiled back at her and walked off to talk to Marco.

“Guess who?” said a voice as hands covered her eyes. She had a brief moment of panic before grinning.

“Tuomas, come on.” The hands withdrew and she turned to look into Tuomas’ smiling face.

“You ready for this?” he asked, excitement dancing in his eyes. She nodded mutely as the butterflies rose again. She was almost as nervous now as she had been before her first gig with Nightwish. That night was distinctly clear in her mind, the way her heart was in her throat and her stomach was in a knot. How there came a moment when she felt she just could not go on stage, and the worry that she would disappoint the rest of the band nearly suffocated her, but the thought of the four guys on stage, waiting for her, putting all their support with her, had motivated her, had convinced her that she could handle anything as long as they were on her side. She remembered how she had relaxed as soon as she entered the stage and the crowd cheered for her, how they had started chanting her name, and how she had been completely overwhelmed by it, how she couldn’t believe that she had been accepted, just like that. She remembered Tuomas, just as dumb-struck as she, and Emppu, triumphant, because he had claimed all along that she would do fantastically and would win them over. She reminded herself of that, even though the circumstances and cause for her fear were completely different now. She reminded herself that no matter what, these four guys were there for her. Tuomas gave her a quick hug and whispered, “Everything’s going to go great, don’t worry.” It was as though he read her thoughts.

 

She stood alone backstage now, twisting her hands in nervousness and waiting for her “cue” to go on-stage. It came, that moment where the song sped up, and she stepped onto the stage, smiling, waving at the crowd, acting as though everything was fine and just how it was before. She felt fake, stiff, and forced herself to relax and just let the music run through her like she always did. As soon as she did, all the nervousness was gone, and with a smile, she started singing.

“Finally the hills are without eyes, they are tired of painting a dead man’s face red with their own blood.”

Emppu stood beside her, indicating to the crowd that they should scream louder, and Anette wrapped an arm around his shoulders, taking a quick glance at him. He had his arms folded and looked triumphantly at the crowd, as though he were bragging the she was half-hugging him and not them. She smiled wider and drew her arm away, walking to the other end of the stage, where, upon her arrival, Marco turned and ran to the other side.

“They used to love having so much to lose. Blink your eyes just once and see everything in ruins.”

And so it went as the band tore through the setlist, first Bye Bye Beautiful, then Dark Chest of Wonders, then Whoever Brings the Night. It wasn’t until Amaranth  that she noticed him. It wasn’t until Amaranth that things went wrong.

 

The blue eyes, the paralyzing blue eyes, had just as much power now as they did then, sending a shock of terror straight through her, causing her to falter in the lyrics. Marco cast her a worried glance, but the band kept playing as Anette stood mute with fear, clutching the microphone so tightly that her knuckles were white. Her attacker smiled from the front row, showing his eye teeth, obviously pleased at the effect his being there had on her. She raised the mic to her mouth to continue singing, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away from his, couldn’t break the spell he had on her, the fear that had her rooted to the spot, and she found that even if she tried, she couldn’t sing.  It took all her willpower to step back, and it was as if the movement broke the petrifaction, because a few more steps and she dropped the microphone, a few more and she was off the stage, a few more and she had her back against the wall, sliding down, hugging her legs to her chest and resting her head on her knees, high-strung, wanting to cry but unable to because of the terror coursing its way through her blood. She heard heavy footsteps running toward her. She couldn’t make herself look up, but clutched her legs tighter and squeezed her eyes shut, silently praying.

Pleasedon’thurtmepleasedon’thurtmepleasedon’thurtme

A heavy hand fell on her shoulder, but she still wouldn’t look up, not until she heard his voice.

“Anette, what’s wrong?” Ewo. Relief surged through her and she looked up into his concerned face. She opened her mouth to tell him, but the words were stuck in her throat, and that’s when the tears started. She heard Marco from the stage saying that they had to take a quick break but they’d be playing again as soon as possible, and suddenly Tuomas was there, kneeling in front of her, worry etched into every line in his face, Emppu not two steps behind, looking just as worried.

“What happened?!” he asked.

Anette took a deep, shuddering breath, closed her eyes and loosened her grip on her legs. She heard Marco and Jukka approach and opened her eyes.

“The…the man who…he’s…front row…”

They seemed to understand her, because Marco, who had been leaned over, straightened and his face darkened, as did the faces of the others, though Marco’s was the most apparent.

“Anette, we’re only five songs into the setlist. Do you…do you think you can do the rest?” Tuomas’ voice was soft despite his anger. Anette shook her head silently, tears spilling down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” she said, so quietly she worried he may not have heard it. She was genuinely sorry, because she had let the band down, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to sing when the man who had attacked her stood so close, and the memories were overpowering. Tuomas nodded as though that were the answer he had been expecting and turned to Marco.

“Let’s do While Your Lips Are Still Red right now, then, and we’ll have to find more songs for you to do on your own, because we have to give them a show at least.”

Marco nodded and he and Jukka stepped on to the stage as Emppu took a seat beside Anette. Tuomas leaned over and whispered in Anette’s ear, “Don’t worry, we won’t let anything happen to you.” He wrapped an arm around her in a clumsy form of a hug and then went back onto the stage.

Leaning into Emppu and closing her eyes as the tears spilled down her face and the fear still sang through her bones, she could only hope they would be able to not let anything happen to her.

Chapter 17

{ May 7, 2008 @ 1:00 pm } · { Fellowship }
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17

 

The tears had sprung unbidden to her eyes. She didn’t want to cry in front of them, didn’t want to show them she was weak, but when Tuomas had turned away from her, she couldn’t help herself. Tuomas was never like that! He always gave everyone a chance to explain themselves, he would listen and determine from there. Did he really distrust her so much? Tarja felt the defeat crawl over her skin, burrowing its way into her heart and mind, and she realized that they wouldn’t be dissuaded from hating her. And as she walked out of the hotel lobby, head down, a spark of anger flared inside her. She knew they didn’t read the article. She knew from the way Jukka had gone to lower Marco’s arm, from how the bigger Finn hadn’t answered her question. They hadn’t read the article but yet were more than willing to condemn her, blame her. The anger flooded her, and the defeat she’d felt, the sadness, were washed away. She raised her head, straightened her shoulders, feeling the heat in her cheeks and gritting her teeth. They were just as assuming now as they had been in 2005. She had hoped they’d changed, that they would realize she hadn’t turned into some “diva” who thought she was better than they were. She’d never felt that way! Somewhere along the line, they had grown further and further apart, until it came to the point that Tarja was certain she’d done something wrong, but she reasoned then that Tuomas or one of the others should have told her. They’d been treating her just as coldly as she’d been treating them, and yet, somehow, she was the one at fault. It seemed they would still choose to blame her before looking at any other possibilities.

 

“Tarja! Wait up!”

Tarja turned quickly at the sound of her name, mildly surprised to see Jukka jogging to catch up with her. She withdrew all her anger, pulling up the mask, hiding her feelings.

“Yes?” she said coldly, looking down her nose. He’d think it conceit, and let him tell the others that she, Tarja, was just as much a diva as she had been before. Tarja didn’t care. Things would be simplified if Nightwish was removed from her personal life completely. Jukka paused, confusion crossing his face momentarily, quickly changing into contriteness.

“I’m really sorry for how Marco reacted,” he said apologetically.

“It’s fine.” She made sure that the emotion was kept entirely out of her voice. She was detached, she felt almost as though she were watching herself from a distance, just an actor on a stage.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” She turned on her heel, her hair whipping behind her shoulders, and walked brusquely away from the drummer, aware of his eyes on her back as he watched her leave.

 

It wasn’t until she was back at her own hotel that everything she felt was amplified tenfold. She sat at the desk where she’d penned the letter to Tuomas what felt like eternity ago, but was only a couple of weeks, and buried her face in her hands, trying not to cry and failing. She wished she was at home, that she was in her own room instead of a hotel room, surrounded by her own belongings, but her house had been undergoing renovations for the past month and wasn’t expected to be done for at least two more weeks. There was nothing, and no one, here to comfort her, and she didn’t understand why it bothered her so much, that Nightwish thought badly of her. She had gone for years without saying so much as a word to them, though of course sometimes she couldn’t help but miss them, and now things could go back to how they were before. But before, she never thought they hated her. She’d thought that somewhere they could, especially Tuomas, still find warm feelings for her, still think well of her like she did them. Now, though, she knew they hated her, and that they would never miss her, never want to see her again, and that was what upset her. This was it, this was the absolute end of what had been between her and the four guys in the band, the end of the friendship she and Anette had built over the last couple weeks. They would never look back on her with fond memories again. The anger and sadness mixed inside her, twisting her stomach into a knot, blurring her vision, and she sat hunched over the desk that was not her own, with no one there to tell her everything would be alright, and she cried.

 

A calmness and acceptance settled over Tarja. She wouldn’t see Nightwish again, and they would hate her. She felt empty inside, couldn’t seem to make herself care. She observed her reflection in the bathroom mirror, noting the smudged makeup and tearstains with a certain detachedness. She heard a small beeping from the actual room, her cell phone, and went to check the text message. She was genuinely surprised to see that it was from Emppu, asking if they were still on for Wednesday. Joy and disbelief fluttered in her heart. Maybe they didn’t hate her after all.

“If you still want to, then we still are,” she typed back, then sat waiting for his reply, heart beating excitedly.

“Ok,” came the reply a few minutes later, and Tarja stared at the phone. Emppu probably didn’t have any idea how happy he just made her, but the relief seemed to melt something in her heart and she smiled, a smile that she couldn’t seem to quell. Emppu didn’t hate her!

 

Wednesday finally rolled around and all morning, Tarja did anything possible to distract herself. Via text messages, Tarja and Emppu had decided that they would grab a cup of coffee from Starbucks after lunch and then walk around for a bit. She couldn’t concentrate properly on anything, worried about her meeting with Emppu. She hadn’t spoken to Marcelo since before the tabloid was published; it was a confrontation she was trying to avoid. Every time she saw him, he seemed to sneer at her, knowing he had won this time. She never rose to the challenge of bringing him down a notch, not wanting to have another argument after the one she’d had with Marco. She desperately hoped that today wouldn’t lead to an argument with Emppu as she walked to the Starbucks they planned to meet at. He wasn’t there yet when she arrived, so she ordered a coffee and took a seat to wait for him. The Starbucks was pretty much empty, the lunch rush having passed, and there was only Tarja, a woman leaned over a laptop, and a man reading a book, and, of course, the baristas. There was a nice sense of peace here, quiet and warmth that she hadn’t felt yet this week. She watched absently the passers-by through the window, barely registering what she saw, until Emppu passed by. She shot out of her seat, all sense of peace gone from her body, and nervously waved to him as he entered. He smiled stiffly and headed over to the counter to order his own drink. Tarja stood beside him as he waited and the two said nothing. It wasn’t until the coffee arrived that Emppu spoke.

“Hi,” he said, cautious.

“Hi,” Tarja responded, equally cautious, and the two stood there awkwardly.

“Should we, uh…” Emppu jerked his head in the direction of the door, indicating that he wanted to leave.

“Right, okay.” Tarja followed him out of the coffee shop and they walked side by side, in silence, for a good couple of blocks before Tarja couldn’t take the silence anymore.

“How’s Anette?” she asked.

“She’s been better. But she’s okay now. That tabloid stunt didn’t go over so well.”

“It wasn’t me…” Tarja said softly, looking down at the cup she was holding in both her hands. Emppu thought it was her too. She felt tears sting her eyes and quickly blinked them away. He had to have a reason to be here, then, if he believed she’d told them.

“Then who was it? Anette didn’t tell anyone other than us and you.” His tone was accusing, she could feel him glaring at her. She didn’t want to answer, didn’t want to tell Emppu that she’d told her husband even though she shouldn’t have, didn’t want to give him more reason to think that Marcelo controlled and shaped her to his whims. But she had to, because if she didn’t, then the rest of the band would hate her for something she had never done.

“Marcelo.” She whispered it, not looking at Emppu. When he didn’t respond, Tarja looked up to find his eyes on her, fury nestled deep within them. She didn’t have to explain how Marcelo had found out, because Emppu had already figured it out. She had told him because she was his wife, and marriages shouldn’t hold secrets. Still, Tarja had never, ever seen Emppu so angry. He looked away quickly, and Tarja could see the muscles in his jaw working as he clenched his teeth. She didn’t know what she could say to make things better. Sorry wasn’t enough, Emppu wouldn’t think she meant it, even though she really, really did. So she said nothing, kept her face down. She didn’t tell Emppu that she hadn’t wanted the tabloids to ever find out, even when Marcelo tried to pressure her into it. She didn’t tell Emppu that she and her husband had barely been on speaking terms since the day Anette had told her. Words could never justify what had already happened.