Angels Fall First

16

Her heart froze in her chest when Emppu told her. No. It couldn’t be true. It couldn’t be! She trusted Tarja, thought she’d found another friend. Surely Tarja wouldn’t do such a thing, would she? Emppu wrapped an arm around her and Anette didn’t feel it for a second, but when she did, she pulled away. It wasn’t comforting her, it wasn’t right. Emppu’s only my friend when there’s something wrong, she realized, remembering how Emppu hadn’t spoken to her all weekend, how alone she’d felt in that amount of time. She didn’t want his help now, didn’t want him to pity her anymore. She let her hair fall in front of her face, hiding the tears that had risen in her eyes, hiding the shame she felt at his pity. Pity was the last thing she wanted. He started to apologize, but Anette wasn’t listening; she just wanted him to leave.

“Emppu, just…I need to be alone.” She cursed her voice for betraying her when it shook.

“If you ever need me…you know I’m here for you,” Emppu said, and Anette felt more tears rushing to her eyes, sobs choking in the back of her throat. Why wouldn’t he go? Finally she heard his footsteps walking away, and, bringing her other hand up to her face, let the betrayal she felt out in gasping sobs, tears wet on her palms. How did everything go so wrong?

She heard another knock at her door and straightened herself, taking deep breaths to calm the sobs that were still tight in her chest. Why wouldn’t Emppu just leave her alone? She quickly wiped wet tears from her face and walked over to the door, opening it slowly, preparing herself for more pity. The person on the other side wasn’t Emppu, though; it was Tuomas. Surprised by this, Anette wasn’t sure how to react, but something seemed to warm a bit inside her. Tuomas did care after all. When Tuomas asked to come in, Anette, not trusting her voice, shrugged, pushing the door open wider, hoping Tuomas would understand. He did, and he went and sat on the chair by the desk, Anette following and taking a seat on the bed. She couldn’t make herself look at him, so she studied her feet, and Tuomas was the first to speak, a rare occurrence when the two were together. Often Anette was the first one speaking, Tuomas patiently listening, but this time was different. So much had changed.

She heard only vaguely what Tuomas was saying, busy wondering what had taken him so long. She interrupted him to ask, finally look at him, waiting, wondering. His eyes slid from her face to the floor.

“I guess I was…I was scared.” Anette tried to swallow the lump growing in her throat. Didn’t he know that she just wanted to know he cared? Just a sign, any sign? He’d shown none.

“Why? What were you scared of?” She could feel it building up inside her again, all the sadness, all the pain, clawing at her throat, behind her eyes.

“I guess…I didn’t want to make things worse.”

“How…how could you have made anything worse?” How could he possibly think she wouldn’t want his support and caring, how could he think that things could get worse? She couldn’t contain the tears anymore, but she didn’t want Tuomas to see her like this, to see her weak. She didn’t want him to pity her. She hid her face, just as she’d done when Emppu was there, but she didn’t tell Tuomas leave. She didn’t want him to leave. She wanted him to stay and to make her smile the way only Tuomas could, a genuine smile, hopeful. She doubted he would stay, because he was Tuomas and he shied from displaying how he felt outwardly, and that made her cry harder, though she tried to stop herself, to contain herself. Then she felt his arm, warm across her shoulders, comforting. She leaned into him and he wrapped her in his arms, and she knew that this wasn’t pity, that this was friendship in its purest form. She knew, with sudden clarity, that Emppu didn’t pity her either, but was just doing the best he could. With this knowledge, something that had been weighing on her heart lessened slightly. She wrapped her arms around Tuomas, not wanting to let him go, holding onto him as though he were anchoring her, keeping her from flying away as the memories rose one by one, and the tears seemed endless. Without her realizing it, though, she had stopped crying, and it felt like a woolen blanket had been placed over her mind, so weary was she.

“Thank you, “ she said into Tuomas’ shoulder, though the words were insufficient. How could she thank him for finally being there for her? How could she thank him for comforting her today? For letting her cry on his shoulder? The gratitude she felt…no words could express it, but words were all she had. She pulled away from him, looked into his eyes, wolf eyes, compassionate. “Thank you so much.” It was all she could say, and she hoped Tuomas knew how much she meant it.

“Don’t mention it,” he said, leaning in to hug her. An impulse deeper than her thoughts rose inside her, and, without thinking, she leaned in and kissed him. The instant their lips touched, she pulled away.

What am I doing?!

Standing, scolding herself, twisting her hands as guilt and shame warred within her, she couldn’t look at him, didn’t want to know what he was thinking.

“I should probably go,” Tuomas said, quietly, but Anette said nothing as he left. Why had she done it? She was married, they were friends, she couldn’t do this. It struck her, enlightenment, that what she felt wasn’t romance, nor was it lust. It was love, love for a friend who had done more with his silence than any of the others had done with words, love without romance. Friendship, pure.

She fell asleep, weak and tired from crying, and woke a few hours later to a knock on the door. Stretching, she made her way to the door, knowing she probably didn’t look her best right now, but not caring, and opened it to see Tuomas on the other side. She couldn’t contain her smile, and he smiled his shy smile, his hands in his pockets.

“You wanna go get something to eat? I think we kinda need to talk,” he said, looking down, smiling more. Anette felt laughter bubbling inside her and realized that it had been a long time since she laughed. She giggled and nodded.

“Yeah, I think we do. But I have to make myself pretty first. Come on in.” She held the door open wider and he entered, bowing his head slightly as he did. She gave him a quick hug and then went into the bathroom to wash her face and clean herself up. She felt the need to make conversation, so she called out of the open door, “So what did you do this afternoon?”

“Not much, just kind of walked around,” Tuomas replied. “Everyone was off doing their own thing anyway. What about you?”

“Me? I slept,” Anette said with a little laugh, exiting the bathroom and grabbing some fresh clothes from the bag beside her bed. “I just gotta get changed, I’ll be done in a minute.”

Tuomas grinned wickedly. “Well, feel free to change right here.”

Anette laughed again and hit him lightly with the shirt she had in her hand.

“No, no, no. That would make the other boys jealous.” She grinned too and then went to the bathroom and closed the door. It was so nice to be joking around again, to be laughing. She felt much lighter than she had in what felt like eternity.

“Oh my god, are you Anette Olzon?”

Anette looked up, surprised. Whenever Tuomas was around, everyone always noticed him first, but this time she was noticed first. She raised her eyebrows and replied, with a small smile, “Yes, I do believe I am.” In the back of her mind, annoyance crept up. She just wanted to eat and have a conversation with Tuomas without being interrupted, but now everyone at the tables around where they were seated was watching.

“I heard about what happened, are you okay?” The girl put her hand on Anette’s arm, and Anette jerked her arm away, felt heat rising in her cheeks and looked down, clenching her teeth.

“I think you should probably –” Tuomas started to stand to make the girl leave, but the bodyguards, who had been seated two tables away, were up before him.

“Excuse me, miss,” one of them said, the taller one with broad shoulders and short black hair, smile lines around his eyes, though his face was grim now. “You should probably leave.”

The girl looked terrified. “I’m sorry, I…I didn’t mean any harm,” she stammered.

“We know, but it’s best if they were left alone.”

She nodded, looking around the big man’s shoulder. “I’m really sorry,” she said to Anette, and left.

“Are you okay?” the guard asked, turning to the vocalist. She nodded but said nothing, still looking at the table.

“Thank you,” Tuomas piped up from across the table. The man nodded, and he and his companion returned to their table, everyone around them quickly averting their eyes, trying to pretend that they hadn’t been watching what happened. Tuomas leaned across the table, placing a hand over Anette’s and said quietly, “Do you want to leave?” She nodded, not looking up, tears blurring her vision. Tuomas didn’t say anything, but he stood up and went to stand beside Anette as she rose from her seat, placing an arm around her shoulders and guiding her out of the restaurant, because she still wasn’t looking up. She didn’t want to be reminded of what happened, she just wanted to forget and move on, but the worst thing was that she knew that she could expect more of this, that this was just the beginning.