Archive for February, 2008

Chapter 10

{ February 29, 2008 @ 3:06 pm } · { Fellowship }
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10 

So that’s what it had been. Definitely not what Tarja had expected, and it was troubling. She could tell that Anette was really hurt by this, as she well should be, and Tarja was facing a moral dilemma. She had grown to almost consider the new lead singer of Nightwish a friend, even if they’d only known each other a couple of weeks, but some part of her still wanted revenge on Tuomas and the rest of the band for having fired her as they did. She had honestly believed she was over it, and her sending them a copy of My Winter Storm, as well as they, in return, sending her a copy of Dark Passion Play, had been an agreement to a truce, a way of showing that the past should be forgiven and that, for all intents and purposes, it was. However, with the knowledge of what had happened to Anette, a bitterness swelled within Tarja’s mind and all she could think of was how to use this against Tuomas. She recalled his reaction on the day that she had first met Anette, when she arrived and told him the news, presumably about the letter Tarja was now aware of. The fear so apparent in his eyes was not fear for himself, it was empathy for Anette. He truly cared for her and considered her one of his closest friends, and it was painfully obvious. Once, he had been the same towards Tarja, but three-year-old wounds had driven a permanent wedge between them. They could be friendly, but they would never be friends again. 

She wasn’t really sure of what she was saying, but just said anything she could think of as her conscience warred within her. She wanted to make Anette forget because the hurt in her eyes was more than Tarja could bear, and she didn’t know why it bothered her so much.
“Just don’t think about it,” she said.
Please forget, she thought.
“Marco will keep you safe, at the very least.”
Can he keep you safe?
“Look, I’m sure everything will be fine.”
Will it ever be fine again?
“It has to be.”
You won’t be able to take anything more.
“No, everything will be fine.”
I don’t want to hurt you too.
She didn’t want to. There was something about Anette that drew a person in and made them happy, as if her mere presence could erase all the bad. Those times that they had laughed, even if they were few due to Anette’s current state, had made Tarja feel more welcome than she had anywhere in a long time. Those shopping excursions had been the most fun Tarja had had in the past five years. It even surprised her, sometimes, that she would completely forget about why she had originally allowed an acquaintanceship with Anette to form: curiousty about why Anette seemed so afraid. Well, now she knew and she didn’t know how to deal with that knowledge.

She plastered a smile onto her face when Anette thanked her, too preoccupied to really absorb the words. As soon as Anette was in the hotel, Tarja spun on her heel, plotting ways to give Tuomas his payback, forgetting already the way the hurt in Anette’s eyes made her hurt as well. She heard footsteps hurrying behind her and jumped a little when a man’s hand fell on her shoulder. A bit of panic flashed through her mind.
Am I going to be raped too?!
The hand spun her around and she came face-to-face with the very person she plotted against, his face a storm cloud. His wolfish eyes glared at her and she could see his jaw muscles working, but he said nothing. She held his gaze, her green eyes unwavering, though she was slightly afraid. Tuomas had never looked so angry at her before as he did now.
“If you hurt her…” he said through gritted teeth, leaving the ending of his sentence looming ominously. Tarja nodded meekly.
“I won’t.”
His face immediately lightened, if only marginally.
“Good. Please, Tarja. Don’t live up to what we all expect from you, except for, apparently, Anette.”
With that, he turned away, and after the shock his words had left on Tarja faded, she felt anger simmering within her. Who was he to threaten her? Anette should have known what the consequences of telling someone – anyone – might be. She felt a small pang of guilt at this thought, reminding herself that she had played the sympathetic friend and had given Anette no reason to distrust her.

Marcelo’s face was painted with self-triumph and for the first time, Tarja thought there may have been something to what Tuomas had written in the open letter. She had just told her husband what Anette told her, hoping for some direction. On the walk back the her hotel, the guilt she felt had grown until she really didn’t know whether hurting Tuomas was worth hurting Anette for. Marcelo laughed as she told him Anette’s story, which repelled Tarja. Suddenly she didn’t trust her husband so much. She decided not to reveal the bit about the letter, but the rape itself had been more than enough for Marcelo.
“You have to tell the press. Imagine the mediastorm that would conjure up!”
Tarja did imagine it, and she didn’t like it. That was the last thing Anette needed, and not only would it affect Nightwish, but it would affect Tarja as well. She would be swarmed with questions about how Anette was acting when she told her and how their friendship came to be. Tarja didn’t know that she could bear it.
“No, absolutely out of the question,” she said resolutely. Marcelo shook his head.
“Absolutely in the question. As your manager, I’m telling you to do this.”
“I won’t.”
Tarja didn’t wait for his response, but stormed out of the room, and Marcelo didn’t stop her. She now regretted telling him, because there was no knowing what he would do with this information. 

She found out soon enough, when, after a week of not speaking to Marcelo, having kicked him out of her room, she saw a local tabloid as she shopped for some groceries.  Things had already been sour between the two before he tried to pressure her into telling the media what had happened to Anette, but that had been the last straw. Everything had been spiraling downhill after she’d been kicked out of Nightwish. All she’d wanted to do was attempt to forget, move on with life, but Marcelo was dead set on having his revenge, and it seemed he had it. She picked up the magazine, almost in disbelief, but it was right there, huge font on the front page, “Lead singer of Nightwish brutally raped in Helsinki.” Tarja felt sick to her stomach and threw the magazine to the ground, leaving the store without her food and not caring about everyone who watched. Marcelo had gone too far this time, but before she dealt with him, she had to talk to Tuomas and, more importantly, Anette.

Chapter 9

{ February 21, 2008 @ 4:10 pm } · { Fellowship }
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9

It was getting harder to bear, with each passing day, but even Anette herself was surprised when she felt better after her shopping excursions with Tarja. Even the day that she received the threatening letter, a simple meal with Tarja allowed her to forget, which in and of itself was a relief. Emppu had done so much for her in these past days, but everything was growing awkward with the other men, just as she had suspected it might, and maybe for that being with Tarja was a relief, because she was unaware of Anette’s ordeal and she was a woman and shared generally the same interests. Nightwish’s unity was slowly falling apart and Anette was blaming herself, but with Tarja, she didn’t have to think about that because Tarja was unaware of all circumstances surrounding the band. 

That afternoon, when she’d received the letter, she hadn’t known how to react. At first she had been paralyzed by shock, before the fear gripped her. She knew that the bellboy who had delivered the letter could not have any idea how terrible the envelope he delivered was, but she couldn’t help but resent him. She was sitting on her bed when she opened it, and as she read, her grip on the paper had grown tighter and tighter as the pain and fear grew. She couldn’t even cry, she was so scared. She couldn’t move or think, but sat staring at the paper before her, frozen. She finally made herself stand, and as though standing was all she needed to do to think straight, she rushed over to the guys’ room, clutching the paper tightly in her left hand. She knocked for what felt like forever until finally Jukka answered the door. She didn’t know what her facial expression looked like, but she figured it had to portray exactly what she felt judging by the look of worry that dawned on Jukka’s face. 

Now, if she didn’t occupy herself, thoughts and memories would assault her and she would find herself consumed by all number of negative emotions. Perhaps that was why telling Tarja had been so easy. That and them not knowing each other as well as Anette knew the guys in the band. She felt surprisingly good after telling her too, unlike after she had told Tuomas, and even Emppu, for that matter. Telling Tarja hadn’t made her feel entirely better about herself and what had happened, but it removed a bit of the edge, and that was enough for now. The day she had confronted Tuomas, she had felt ready to burst with a mingling of anger, sadness and guilt, and she needed someone to talk to, and she never thought in her life she would be so glad to know the ex-singer of Nightwish. She had texted her to ask her to lunch that day, stating briefly that she had to talk to someone and the sooner the better. Her cell phone beeped mere minutes later, indicating a reply. 

OK. Starbucks. 10 mins? 

Surprised and pleased, Anette quickly responded with an “OK” and proceeded to put on her make-up, preparing to look decent, for doubtless the two would be noticed. They always were. 

She arrived at the Starbucks first and ordered a latte and sat at a table, waiting apprehensively for Tarja to arrive. Perhaps people noticed her mood, for very few approached her for an autograph, though she knew many watched her and recognized her. It was possible they wondered who she was waiting for, and if none of them had seen the tabloids recently, which here in Helsinki proudly proclaimed (in Finnish) something to the extent of, “Anette Olzon and Tarja Turunen. Best Friends?” followed by a picture of the two shopping, having coffee, laughing at a magazine together, or some such similar thing, then they were in for a surprise, she supposed. Moments later, Tarja herself arrived, and Anette could almost sense the jolt of surprise in the room. Maybe some were waiting for a catfight, but then they were to be disappointed. The younger woman quickly ordered a mocha and took a seat across the table from Anette. She looked genuinely worried, though Anette honestly didn’t know whether she was worried about her.
“What do you need to talk about?” Tarja asked, quickly taking a sip from her cup. Anette suddenly found herself searching for words. She couldn’t just blurt it out, could she? In such a public place? She stared at her cardboard cup’s lid and said nothing for awhile, feeling Tarja’s eyes watching her, the eyes of some of the other people in the, thankfully, relatively empty Starbucks. Finally, she looked up and said, “It’s something that happened to me here in Helsinki.” She heard her voice break and willed herself not to cry, not here. “I don’t think we should talk about it here, though.” Tarja’s eyes were flooded with worry as she glanced at the pairs of eyes on the odd duo.
“You’re right,” she said, standing up and grabbing Anette’s elbow to help her up, which was probably good, because Anette didn’t feel like she had the will to even move. This happened every time she brought up the incident; she became so lost in her misery that she couldn’t make herself do anything.

Her eyes swam with tears as she recounted her story in what she intended to be plain strokes to Tarja, refusing to allow herself to paint a picture of what happened. She had to stop often, but the other woman always seemed understanding and patient. They sat on a bench in a rather abandoned park, their take-away coffee cups having been deposited in a garbage can they had passed along the way. Anette didn’t know when she had begun her tale or how, but she found herself spilling her guts to the sympathetic woman seated beside her, explaining much more vividly than intended what had happened. As her tale continued, she could see a look of horror growing on Tarja’s face and when finally the Swede fell silent, Tarja asked the most important question, one that none of the guys had thought to ask.
“Did you get yourself checked?”
Anette nodded silently, not looking at Tarja.
“They said I was fine, physically,” she said quietly. “I’m more worried now, though, Tarja.” She looked up and proceeded to tell about the letter, though she did not recount all that was written in it. Tarja sat in what Anette thought had to be mute horror, though she couldn’t really read the expression on Tarja’s face. Her eyes had a faraway look, and she seemed about to cry, but there was so much else written there. Truly she was a mysterious woman when it came to serious matters. 

Abruptly, Tarja stood and said with such determination Anette was slightly taken aback, “Just don’t think about it. Marco will keep you safe, at the very least.” She grabbed Anette’s arm and hauled her to her feet, briefly hugging her shoulders with one arm before dropping her hand back to her side again and walking ahead.
“Look, I’m sure everything will be fine. It has to be. No, everything will be fine.”
Anette didn’t know how to respond. Tarja seemed almost to fighting within herself. The other woman smiled sadly and said, softer, “Let’s head back, okay?” Anette nodded and fell into step beside her predecessor in Nightwish. The two walked in silence the entire way back to the hotel, Anette feeling strangely relieved. When she was about to enter the hotel, she turned to Tarja and said, “Thank you…so much. Just for…being there.” She smiled and Tarja smiled in return and Anette headed inside, oblivious to what Tarja was thinking. 

When she told the rest of the band that she had told Tarja what happened to her, they all reacted surprised, except for Tuomas, who narrowed his eyes slightly and, with a hasty, “I’ll be right back,” rushed through the lobby and out the front doors. Was he going after her? Anette presumed as much, though she wondered why. He’d seemed to be almost simmering with anger as he stormed out of the hotel and she wondered what he thought. She didn’t think on it long, though, as the shock wore off from the other members and they all began talking as they loaded onto the elevator, whose doors had opened with a ding! Anette didn’t really participate in the conversation, sort of falling into a daze. She felt better now than she had since the attack, though still the hurt inside tore away at her, it was bearable now, more bearable than it had ever been.

Chapter 8

{ February 11, 2008 @ 1:27 pm } · { Fellowship }
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8 

“I’m sorry,” she had said. Why did she say that? That had been troubling Tuomas ever since she’d revealed to him that she had been …Tuomas was hesitant to use the word “rape”, because it was such a vile word, but there it was…she had been raped. That indescribable feeling he felt when she told him – kind of like anger, mixed with sorrow, mixed with pain, mixed with the feeling like his heart had literally just broken, feeling unable to breathe – sometimes washed over him now, when he thought of what she’d been through. He didn’t really register how Marco and Jukka had taken it, but had fallen into the darkest depression he’d ever experienced.

The knowledge alone of what had happened to Anette had been beyond difficult to bear, but now she had received this rape threat, and Tuomas didn’t know if he could bring himself to live day by day. Each day, he made himself get up, telling himself that Anette did, and so he should too. He hadn’t been the one experiencing things firsthand, after all. The most he could do was be there for his friend. The most interesting thing about recent times was that Anette seemed to be getting better day by day, even as the rest of the band fell deeper into their own respective pits; Marco in his anger, Emppu in his worry, Jukka in his uncertainty and Tuomas in his depression. Tuomas knew that Anette had been spending lots of time with Tarja lately and figured this was the cause for Anette’s improvement, as odd as it was. He wondered how much Anette had told her and if Tarja had an ulteriour motive and what it was. 

The band sat around a breakfast table now, though Marco was the only one actually eating. Anette and Tuomas looked glumly at their food, not seeing it but focused entirely on what they thought about, and there was no question that they were both thinking about the threat letter. Jukka had a few bites, but then pushed his plate away and looked at his hands, folded in his lap. Emppu was watching all of them at once, calculating how they were and gauging their moods. Tuomas continued to poke at his food and the table was cloaked in silence for most of breakfast until Ewo joined them. The big blonde Finn would not tolerate silence anywhere, and this was somewhere, and so he broke it. He hadn’t been informed of the circumstances, because no one could think of how to tell him, nor how he would take it. The men in the band knew that they couldn’t get Anette to tell him, because it was hard enough for her to tell Tuomas and they felt they shouldn’t apply more pressure to her. They had been debating amongst themselves who should tell the manager and what said person should say, but they hadn’t decided on anything. So Ewo remained ignorant. 

The band remained gloomy despite Ewo’s prodding, and when Tuomas couldn’t handle his endless talking, he stood and left the table.  He could feel the eyes of his band mates on his back, but he didn’t care. He walked to the elevators and went into his room and sat in darkness in the chair, trying not to think and failing miserably. He heard a timid knock on the door and forced himself up, wondering who it was that was going to talk to him. Probably Marco. Marco was the one who tried to cheer him up now. Tuomas rested his hand on the doorknob and took a deep breath, unsure of what to expect.  He opened to door to reveal not a big, burly, blonde Finnish man, but a small, black-haired Swedish woman. That he had not expected at all. He smiled half-heartedly and opened the door wider for her to get in. She slipped through, flinching to the side as she passed Tuomas, which caused him some pain, though he said nothing. Neither said anything for awhile as Anette walked over to the window and looked out. Tuomas continued to stand by the door, which he had closed, and he just watched her and waited for her to break the silence. No words were spoken for a long time until finally Anette said, without looking at him, “Tuomas, I need you not to worry about me.”
“I have to.”
“No, you don’t.”
She turned to face him, and he could see her eyes brimming with tears.
“This isn’t because of you, this isn’t something you should bear. This isn’t for anyone to bear. You all need to stop…stop worrying. Just stop.”
Her voice broke and Tuomas had an impulse to enfold her in a hug, but he resisted, his introverted nature preventing him from displaying such affection. There was something in her eyes when she looked at him, and he couldn’t exactly tell what it was, though he knew that it was not anything good. She took a deep breath and looked at the floor and stood silently for a moment.
“I can’t stop,” he said in a voice just above a whisper. She glanced up at him before looking at the floor again. She said nothing but walked past him, opened the door and left. Tuomas felt he should go after her, be her shoulder to cry on, be a true friend, he knew Emppu would, but he couldn’t seem to move, frozen by emotion. 

Tuomas didn’t see Anette again that day, though Jukka informed him that she’d gone out with Tarja. He supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised by now, but he was. It would never cease to amaze him that the two seemed to be friends, though he still questioned Tarja’s motives. He tried to read, but his mind was too busy to allow him to focus, so he flicked on the TV. There was nothing good on, so he left, hoping to go for a walk, but instead wound up going for coffee with the rest of the band, except Anette. They chatted the whole time, steering clear of the drama surrounding Anette, trying to forget, even if only for a little while. They stayed at the café for hours, finally leaving when they saw Anette walking through the lobby towards the elevators. They caught up with her and Emppu immediately wrapped an arm around her back. She smiled ever-so-slightly, and Tuomas noticed that she seemed almost…lighter, as if she had been relieved of a great burden. So, he asked the question that would confirm his suspicion.
“What did you and Tarja do?”
Her eyes met his and when she replied, he thought he almost saw some defiance there, though it was still mixed with that same feeling she’d had earlier that he couldn’t quite place.
“We went for some lunch and…I told her everything.”
The entire band was mildly taken aback, though Tuomas had suspected as much. He also suspected that Anette had no idea what Tarja could do with this information, what Tarja may very well do.