The writer in me is revived!

{ October 4, 2009 @ 1:32 am } · { Uncategorized }
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HELLO.

OKAY so I’m gonna take a shot at those oneshots in preparation for an epic House fanfic I intend on embarking on. Those oneshots will be posted here in the next little bit (hopefully O.o). Ya’ll didn’t give me a lot to work with though, you know.

And the House fanfic (which will be some awesome Thirteen/OC femmeslash) will be posted here as well, but as it’s part of a challenge, it won’t be here in whole for a fewwww months. But I might post teasers or something. What do you two people who view this thing think? Spread the word, or straight up say, “Yo we don’t want teasers, just put it up when it’s all done.”

Stay tuned. PLZ TO BE RESPONDING KTHX.

{ February 3, 2009 @ 12:43 am } · { Uncategorized }
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HELLO OUT THERE.

*echo*

*echo*

Yeah, I’m still around. Are you? Because if you are, then hey, maybe we can help each other out a little. I have a couple plot bunnies trying to stir in my mind, but I don’t know if they’re gonna go anywhere.

But to get me back in the writing state of mind, if you know what I mean, I’ll take some prompts for oneshots if you have some. A word or a phrase, anything’s a go, no matter how violent/sexual/fluffy. Pairing doesn’t matter, it can be het or slash, so long as it’s Nightwish related. And I don’t do OCs. Something you’ve wanted to see but haven’t? Post it here, I’ll give it a shot.

Thank ya for your time and I hope to see you around. ^.^

Chapter 38

{ December 4, 2008 @ 4:44 pm } · { Fellowship }
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38

It had been three months. Three months of Anette spending as much time as she possibly could with Seth, three months of trying not to think about the impending trial, of trying to let people back into her life. Three months was a long time, but somehow the time had gone so fast. She’d not seen the guys in the band very much, but sometimes they would get together and spend a few days at Tuomas’ cabin or something, despite the cold weather. She was content and sometimes even managed to forget about it. Her life was slipping back into a routine and it was a beautiful feeling. But, three months had to end, and she knew the day would come when she had to go back to Helsinki to face the man who had raped her, body and soul, and to tell her story to a judge and jury. Normally, it would have taken longer for a case like this to go to court, but Anette was a member of Nightwish, and being a celebrity had things like this moved forward. Her family knew about what had happened to her, everyone knew at this point, and they knew that she would be going to Finland for court. They had wanted to go with her, but she knew it was better if they didn’t hear in excruciating detail what had happened. It would be better for everyone.

Those three months had passed and the day had come. Anette had her bag packed and was on the plane headed to Helsinki. Tuomas said he would pick her up at the airport, but the rest of the guys would have to meet her after the trial because they wouldn’t be allowed in. The whole way over, Anette’s stomach twisted itself into knots. She didn’t know if she’d be able to say it, to say what he’d done to her. She didn’t know how she would react when she saw him again. She didn’t know if Tuomas could handle hearing exactly what had happened. What if the judge didn’t find the man guilty? What if she went through this and he walked away without punishment anyway? Was all of this really worth it? Maybe if she just tried to forget about this and let it drop, maybe everything would be fine. But Emppu had been right when he told her, as they headed to the police station for Anette to report her rapist, that if she didn’t act now, the wound in her soul would fester and only get worse. Besides, it was too late to turn back now.

Tuomas was waiting for her when she disembarked the airplane. He smiled warmly and she tried her best to smile back, but couldn’t seem to. This wasn’t a vacation and she wasn’t here to do anything that deserved a smile. The two of them walked to his car in silence, Anette still struggling to find the courage she would be needing in just a short while. She had to be ready, she had to do this, she couldn’t let him get away. No matter what she told herself, she couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling that this wouldn’t end well, she couldn’t calm the butterflies in her stomach. If he was found innocent and was allowed to walk, what would he do to her then? Would he want revenge? Would he hurt her more than he already had? The thoughts, worries, kept flitting through her brain, and she couldn’t seem to get rid of them, no matter what she tried to think about. She felt ready to scream or cry, or maybe both, she was so nervous, so scared, to do this.

Standing outside the courtroom, Anette steeled herself, meeting Tuomas’ concerned gaze with a level one of her own, not allowing herself to show him her inner turmoil. She would be fine, she could do it. She took a deep breath and an officer opened the door. She scanned the room quickly, freezing when her eyes locked on those blue, blue eyes of her attacker. She felt bile rising in her throat and tears welling in her eyes. She couldn’t do this, she couldn’t. He was there, how could she? He was watching her, he was…he was…she couldn’t. Her breath started coming in short, panicked bursts. She knew that the judge and jury were waiting for her to go to the witness stand, but she was rooted to the spot. It wasn’t until Tuomas grabbed her hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze that she was able to tear her eyes away from the rapist’s cold, cruel eyes to Tuomas’ warm and compassionate ones.
“You can do this. You’re strong,” he murmured so that no one else would hear. “It’s going to be okay.” She had to blink back the tears she’d nearly shed, and the honesty in Tuomas’ eyes, his genuine belief in her and her ability to do this, to go up there and tell her story, his compassion and his hope, brought a kind of resolution to her heart, a soft calm, a cold calm. She would tell them the truth, she would prove to them that the man sitting at the defendant’s table was guilty, and she would show him that she was stronger than him. Squeezing her hand one last time, Tuomas took a seat and Anette approached the witness stand, meeting her attacker’s eyes with little fear now. Everything would be alright.

THE END

Just want to say thanks to everyone who found this halfway through and has been following ever since. Reading your guys’ comments has made many of my days brighter and I appreciate it. I hadn’t intended for anyone to find this, which is why I originally had it password-protected, but I guess in the end it was better that people did. I’m not sure if I’ll write another Nightwish fanfic, but if I do, maybe I’ll see you there. And until next time, ciao!

Chapter 37

{ November 28, 2008 @ 3:27 pm } · { Fellowship }
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37

 

Things were okay now, between them. Tarja and her husband had resolved their issues and things were comfortable. Tarja sometimes still felt uneasy around him, though, and silently vowed to think twice before she told him any information he could use against her or against her friends or ex-band mates anymore. She never wished harm or pain on the guys in Nightwish, or the girl. It still hurt her to think of what they must have gone through once the tabloids had published the story of Anette’s rape. It still hurt her to think that they blamed her. She still didn’t know if Emppu had told them, but she absolutely refused to call or text to ask. She had to remind herself time and time again that things were better for both of them if they weren’t involved in each other’s lives.

 

Tarja had become what some would call a workaholic, plunging into her music, writing lyrics, playing piano, a constant flow of ideas running onto a paper. She found that writing music helped her to forget about Nightwish and any other problems she might be facing. It gave her something to focus her time and energy on, and for that she had immersed herself so wholly. She was almost annoyed when she had to stop writing, stop playing. She had never felt this creative before, and it was such a nice feeling; she could understand now why Tuomas always held Nightwish so close to his heart. There she was, thinking of Nightwish again, which was exactly what she was trying to avoid doing. But somehow, almost everything could lead back to them. She’d gone for years without giving them a second thought, and now she couldn’t get them off her mind. Why did she care so much what they thought of her? She never used to. Something had changed, something that could probably be attributed to have finally taken that step and meeting Tuomas for the first time since they’d fired her. Maybe that had made her realize just how much she missed them, if she was being honest with herself. She didn’t like being honest with herself. It was too painful.

 

There came a day when no matter what amount of avoiding thinking of Nightwish she tried to do, she couldn’t. She was surprised to receive a text message from Anette. She hadn’t expected one from any of them now, but least of all her. She was the one who had been hurt most directly by what Marcelo had done. For a second, Tarja worried that it would not be a nice text message, but the thought soon left her mind, because she knew Anette wasn’t like that. She had no idea what it could be about, though, so she was a little worried as she opened it. She read it over and felt a little pang of sadness, but at the same time a mixture of relief and gratitude. No, Anette hadn’t written anything mean, she had just written the truth, no matter how bitter that truth was. “Emppu told me the truth. I’m sorry about everything that happened,” it read. “If we were different people, I’m sure we could be great friends, but because of Nightwish, I don’t think it’s in our best interests to be that close. You helped me a lot more than I think you know, and I’m grateful for that. I hope life treats you well.” Tarja smiled a little, reading it over again, glad for the closure. She was sad to see what could have been a good friendship leave, but she knew that Anette was right and that things would be better if they weren’t friends at all. It was a kind of farewell, though Tarja knew that it was quite probable that one day their paths would cross again. She hoped one day things could be well between her and the rest of the guys, but for now she was glad to have at least gained Emppu’s and Anette’s forgiveness and acceptance.

 

She didn’t tell Marcelo about the text she’d received from Anette. She didn’t see that it was relevant or any of his business at all. She didn’t trust that he wouldn’t try to twist into something that it wasn’t. Now that things were going well between them, Tarja saw no need to trouble their relationship with trivialities or anything regarding Nightwish again. She had accepted that the band was past, and she had accepted that they couldn’t be friends no matter how much they may want to, but she wasn’t sure that Marcelo could see that, or that he even saw that she had truly cared for Anette as a person. She had no wish to sabotage anyone’s career, because that was a petty and cruel thing to do. She didn’t know if her husband saw things like that, or how he could see things differently. Everything that had happened in the past months had shown her a lot about people, about how they truly were. She saw that Marcelo’s intentions weren’t always pure, that she had truly misjudged Anette, and that Emppu had honestly still been her friend, even at the end. She saw that Tuomas was stronger now than before, and that Marco would defend Anette ‘til the end, that his loyalty to her surpassed what his loyalty to Tarja had been. She had seen that Jukka was prepared to give her a second chance, that he didn’t hold a grudge on her, that he believed in the best of people. She felt no jealousy or bitterness that they worked so well together or that Anette had stepped up to the plate with such grace and been welcomed with such open arms by Nightwish’s fan base. They would make it through everything that had happened to them, the obstacles Anette had faced lately, that could tear the band apart. Tarja could see that they were dedicated to this, that they would hold each other up and that they would prevail, and she was happy for them.

Chapter 36

{ November 21, 2008 @ 12:59 am } · { Fellowship }
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36

 

Summer had come and was nearly gone, and Emppu felt that it had gone far too fast. They had gathered at Tuomas’ cabin for the last few days, Anette bringing Seth with her, just to regroup and relax without any pressure. It was nice and definitely working. Everyone had visibly relaxed. The seven-year-old boy in their midst also helped lighten the mood, constantly bringing smiles to everyone’s faces, especially Anette’s. There was always a certain light in her eyes when Seth was around that Emppu found a very enjoyable thing to see, because it wasn’t often these days that he saw her like that.

 

After Seth had been tucked in for bed, they often had campfires, around which alcohol was consumed, marshmallows were roasted and stories were shared. Emppu enjoyed these times the most, because everyone was more relaxed and things were closer to how they had been before everything had begun to spiral out of control. Anette still had not said a word about quitting the band, and Emppu felt almost reassured that if she hadn’t mentioned it by now, she wasn’t going to quit at all. Doubt still lingered in his mind, but for the most part, he was sure she was going to stick around. Tuomas wasn’t so sure, and that was painfully clear, and even though time and time again Emppu told him that Anette probably wouldn’t quit, Tuomas never believed him. It was around one such campfire that the issue was finally addressed. Anette was making s’mores and Marco had gone to get the beer. The rest of the guys sat in silence, each lost in their thoughts, until Jukka abruptly spoke up.

“I’m sorry, Anette.”

She looked up at him in surprise, but didn’t ask him what he was talking about. Emppu hadn’t the foggiest what Jukka had to apologize for.

“I shouldn’t have said what I did,” Jukka continued. “I guess I just…” he ran a hand over his face before looking at Anette again. “I just fucked up. I’m really, really, sorry, Anette.”

She was silent for a moment and looked away. She had something to say, Emppu could tell, but when she did look up and say something, it was only, “It wasn’t really your fault, Jukka.” Jukka visibly relaxed, though Emppu hadn’t really noticed that he was tense before.

“I still wish I’d kept my mouth shut,” he said, standing and giving Anette a hug.

“Careful or you’ll get marshmallow and chocolate all over you!” Anette said with a little laugh, she too having relaxed though she hadn’t seemed particularly tense before either. Emppu was pleased to see the air cleared between the two of them, though a glance at Tuomas showed that his mind was clouded.

“What’s wrong, Tuomas?” Anette asked, apparently having picked up on the same thing.

“Are you staying in the band?” Tuomas blurted out. There was silence for a moment, and Emppu was sure that had the lighting been better, a deep blush would be seen on Tuomas’ face as he berated himself for asking her in front of everyone, or for doubting her at all, or for something anyway. He turned his attention to Anette, intrigued as to her answer, and growing slightly worried because she hadn’t yet said yes or no. He wondered what she was thinking that made her so quiet.

“I thought about quitting, honestly quitting, the band,” she finally admitted. “It was getting to be a lot before everything happened, and I don’t know if I can handle it, especially now.” Emppu’s heart sank. She was quitting wasn’t she? “But I’m not giving up yet. I won’t…I’m not going to quit as long as I can take it.” Her eyes were locked with Emppu’s now, and he could see the strength there. He didn’t know how long it had taken her to build that strength back up, that stubbornness that had gotten Tuomas to reconsider hiring her in the first place, but he had never been so glad to see it. The old Anette was in there and was finally coming back. Maybe it would be a slow process, but the fact that there was hope brought peace to the guitarist. He couldn’t contain his smile as the relief whelmed over him. Maybe everything was going to be okay after all.

 

On the last night of their stay at Tuomas’ cabin, Emppu finally decided to ask Anette something that had been bothering him ever since she’d attempted suicide in Oslo.

“Why did you do it?”

She turned around from the bag that she’d been packing in her room. Seth was sound asleep on the bed in front of her.

“What do you mean?” But Emppu could tell by her eyes that she knew exactly what he was talking about.

“In Oslo. Why did you do it?”

She glanced at her son and then grabbed Emppu by the arm and led him out of the room to the table, where she took a seat with a sigh, Emppu following suit. She didn’t say anything for awhile, no doubt choosing her words carefully. When she did speak, she didn’t meet his eyes, staring vacantly at the table, as though trying to remember her own reasons.

“It wasn’t Jukka’s fault. But this whole time, this whole time I’ve never felt happy, peaceful, anything like that.” She met his eyes, and he could see that they were shining with unshed tears. She brushed them away angrily before they fell. “It was too much, Emppu. One thing after the other, and I had no one to turn to. I’m sorry, I know you guys have been through so much because of me. Maybe I should quit the band and let you guys continue on with another singer.” Her voice was choked and Emppu reached out for her, resting a hand on her arm and demanding her attention.

“Anette, none of this was your fault. None of it. Don’t ever think that, okay? And honestly? The band wouldn’t survive two weeks with you gone. You’re the one who keeps us in line.” He was trying to lighten the mood, but it wasn’t having much effect. “Look, Anette. You’re a part of this band. We’re all there for you if you need us. We’ll always have your back. But without you, we’d be lost. Just don’t give up yet. All of this will pass. And I’m sorry that I didn’t see sooner. I should have known.” He gave her a hug, and she clung to him.

“Thank you, Emppu. For everything you’ve done.”

Emppu didn’t trust himself to speak, so he didn’t. He let his silence speak for itself.

 

Finally disengaged, Emppu dared touch upon the subject of telling the police.

“You have to report him, Anette. You would be helping yourself, and anyone else he may have hurt, anyone he might hurt in the future.” He spoke softly, not wanting to upset her. He was surprised when she didn’t react right away.

“But if I do, then I’ll have to face him again.” She spoke quietly, almost though she was talking more to herself than to him.

“The only way to completely remove your fear is to confront it. Make him pay for what he did. You’re strong enough. You’re stronger than him and you can beat him.” He could see that she was nearly convinced. She must have been thinking about it already. He just wanted to see her one step closer to the peace of mind she used to possess. She had the strength, and Emppu knew that she would be able to go through with it, if only she could gather the courage now. “I’ll be there for you, every step of the way.”

That was it, that was his whole argument. He didn’t know what else he could say, but he knew that every word he spoke was the truth and he hoped Anette knew that too. She searched his eyes for any sign that he was lying to make her feel better, but was apparently satisfied that he wasn’t.

“I’ll do it, as soon as we go back to the city.” As soon as the words left her mouth, he could almost see her strong will flood into her, her shoulders straightening, her face grim and determined, as she prepared herself for what wasn’t going to come until at least tomorrow. She’d need a lot of time to prepare herself, Emppu was sure of it. She would be able to handle it. She would finally be able to begin healing.

Chapter 35

{ November 13, 2008 @ 11:38 pm } · { Fellowship }
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35

 

Tuomas was worried. It wasn’t often that he wasn’t worried, true, but he was more worried than usual right now. He was worried about the person they all worried about most these days; Anette. She hadn’t been responding to his e-mails, and upon asking the other guys, he found that she hadn’t replied to them either. They had over a month off now that the short tour had been cancelled, and usually during any time at home, they didn’t see each other, but they still communicated semi-regularly through e-mail and SMS. Now, a week into the break, and Tuomas and the others still hadn’t heard from Anette? Tuomas felt it was completely justified that he be worried, considering how fragile she’d been when last he saw her. Considering what they psychiatrist had told them and considering what she’d done to wind up in the hospital the last time. Knowing how unstable her home life was, Tuomas was definitely afraid that she would try it again, that she still wanted to kill the pain despite what the psychiatrist said. It was on all their minds, he had no doubt of that. That they all felt helpless, he had no doubt of that either. What could they do when she wouldn’t respond to them?

 

Finally, nearing his wit’s end, Tuomas picked up the phone, resolved to call her. He hadn’t yet called her because he didn’t want to seem too clingy or too worried. He had just assumed that her reply e-mail would come, if not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then the day after. He finally accepted that a response wasn’t coming by e-mail, but surely Anette would pick up the phone when she saw it was him calling. He punched in her number, and waited, the phone ringing and ringing, until it finally cut to her answering machine, some recording in Swedish that he didn’t fully understand but knew was saying to leave  a message after the tone. He sighed and hung up. Maybe she was avoiding him, all of them, really, because she had decided that she really did want to quit the band and was trying to figure out how to tell them? Tuomas’ heart sank at this thought, though it was considerably better than the only alternative his mind allowed him: that she had attempted suicide again. Maybe he should fly back out to Sweden? That way she definitely couldn’t avoid him and he could find out what was really going on. He knew the way to her house from the airport now, and he could definitely afford it. He dismissed the thought almost as soon as it occurred to him. That would be overstepping his boundaries. He was her friend and her coworker, but that didn’t give him the right to fly in from another country and show up unannounced on her doorstep because she wasn’t responding to his e-mails. She was probably just busy and he was looking into the situation too deeply. He decided to let this work itself out, as surely it would once the next tour leg was looming closer on the horizon.

 

He needn’t have worried so much, as it turned out. Sitting in his e-mail inbox the next morning was a reply from Anette. He was hesitant to open it, though. This must be her telling me that she’s done with this band, that she can’t handle it. Could I handle it if she quit? He thought, forcing himself to click it open. He breathed a big sigh of relief when he saw how short the response was and how there was absolutely no mention of quitting the band. She wrote that she was sorry she hadn’t responded sooner, but she had been spending every minute possible with Seth. She assured him that she was fine and hoped he was too. Tuomas couldn’t help but laugh at himself. Yes, he’d definitely overreacted. It should have occurred to him that she would spend as much time as possible with her son while she could. That little boy was her heart and soul, and Tuomas could only imagine how painful it had to be for her to even imagine losing him. Of course she would spend every waking moment with him, what had he been thinking?

 

Later in the afternoon, assured now and relieved that Anette was alright, Tuomas called some friends over for a barbecue. He needed to distract himself from all the drama surrounding his band right now, all the thoughts about their future circling in his head. He hoped that even if only for a few hours, he could forget all of that. Even though it wasn’t in her last e-mail to him, Tuomas was convinced Anette was going to leave the band. He couldn’t fathom how she could bring herself to continue in it after all that had happened to her in the past months. He kept trying to force himself to stop thinking about it, but he couldn’t. It nagged at the back of his mind and saddened him. He didn’t want to see her go, he didn’t want to go through the search for yet another singer. He didn’t want to deal with all of that again. If she quit, Nightwish was over. It was getting to be more than he could handle.

Chapter 34

{ November 6, 2008 @ 9:30 pm } · { Fellowship }
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34

He walks towards her and circles her, and there are people, laughing and laughing, calling her names. She’s spinning around and around, but she knows she has to stop, because she’s going to be sick if she doesn’t. He grabs her by the arm, too hard, he’s holding on too hard and she’s trying to tell him that he’s hurting her, but there’s a hand over her mouth and blue, blue eyes, freezing her and she can’t look away. He leans in and whispers in her ear, “Scream for me.” Then she’s spinning again, she wants it to stop, she wants to stop spinning, but she doesn’t know how to stop on her own. Someone grabs her from behind and pulls her backward until she falls. She sees a man standing over her, and it’s Fredrik. “Help me up!” she cries, but he ignores her and walks away, Seth by his side. Someone picks her up off the ground and she sees four wolves surrounding her, their teeth bared at the people still laughing at her. They’re protecting her, but they don’t see one man draw close to her, they don’t see him cup her face with his hand, almost in a caring manner, until he suddenly hits her. She’s spinning again, and she wants it to stop. She wants it all to end.

Damp with sweat, Anette woke, clutching her blankets tightly to her chin. It felt as though her heart was in her throat. She had been trying so hard not to think about it these days, but no amount of conscious suppression could prevent the images and emotions from entering her dreams. This was not the first time in the past weeks that she had woken up from a nightmare like this. They were becoming more and more frequent, though there were slight differences. Sometimes there were no wolves protecting her and the laughter was louder and closer. Sometimes the second man had his hand wrapped in her hair and was pulling her head back as his fingers caressed her exposed throat. Anette truly wished she could clear all these images from her mind, that it would stop tormenting her and she could continue with life as it used to be. She knew that could never happen, or wouldn’t happen for a very long time, and it disheartened her that the memories were always at the back of her mind. Laying in her bed alone, she longed for the warmth of her husband’s arms around her and the comfort his mere presence used to bring. She sighed deeply, trying to push the sadness away, and got out of bed to get a glass of water.

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt genuinely happy. Even when she smiled and when she laughed, it was for the benefit of the others. She didn’t want them to worry, they had all been supportive, they had all tried their best, but she was so…tired. She wanted to be better and to be fine, but she wasn’t. She couldn’t help but think about how different everything would have been if she had only taken a bodyguard with her for that walk, or if she’d never gone for a walk to begin with. She’d been an idiot, and she knew that. When she thought about what the others had been through, what the fans must have felt dealing with all the cancellations, and how everyone was suffering for her, because of her stupidity, she couldn’t shake that feeling of guilt, that feeling that things would be so much better if she wasn’t in any of these people’s lives. Ewo had cancelled the rest of the tour, all because of her. He said that she was definitely not ready to perform and needed time away from the hassle of tour life. Anette knew she couldn’t face crowds of screaming fans night after night, but to disappoint so many people, it was almost more than she could bear. And she knew, she knew this would be interpreted the wrong way by the people who still hadn’t accepted her as Nightwish’s frontwoman. They would cling to this and she would not live it down, a thought which was daunting, to be sure. The guys were really supportive and they told her that they’d make sure everyone understood this wasn’t her decision, but she knew exactly how it would play out. Everything was falling apart, everything was culminating and overwhelming her. She had to face the consequences of her actions every single day, and when she looked in the mirror or at the faces of her band mates, she saw the toll everything was taking. She knew that it was all her fault.

She wanted to go to the police and tell them everything, but the thought of it alone made her sick with anxiety. It wouldn’t be a simple matter of telling the police and being done with it. It would be a matter of going to court and telling a judge and jury everything that happened. It would mean facing the man who had raped her, and she didn’t know if she was prepared to handle that, or if she ever would be. Maybe all of this would go away if she just let it be. Maybe life could go on and she could get over it. Maybe time could work its magic and heal her.

Then there was Nightwish. She trusted the guys, she liked their company and their friendship, but she didn’t think she could go on in the band. It was all too much. Too much publicity, too much drama, too many things going wrong. Anette was slipping, and being in this world famous band, touring all the time, wasn’t helping her at all. Her home life had dissolved, and tour life wasn’t much better. Of course, the shows and the music were incredibly fulfilling, but it wasn’t enough. Though they had not yet fought the custody battle, Anette knew Fredrik would win. Even now, Seth was with him, and Anette was alone. There was no one she could call, no one she felt comfortable calling. She had cut everyone off, all her friends, her family. She didn’t have anything at all. Nightwish was the only constant in her life right now, and she wasn’t sure if it would better or worse to cut that away too, but she was sure that she would have to make up her mind soon. She was holding them back. Maybe it would be better if she quit the band now and let the guys find a new vocalist, allowing them move on with their lives and their careers even if she couldn’t.

A/N (I know, I have a lot of these lately O.o): So, there you have it. The very first dream sequence I have ever written in my writing career (that will likely end as soon as I’m done this fanfic, haha). What do you think? I think it’s okay. It could be better, but then again, the first time trying something new doesn’t often end with excellent results, right? Mehwell, I hope you understand what it all signifies anyway.

Chapter 33

{ October 30, 2008 @ 3:07 am } · { Fellowship }
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33

 

The psychiatrist approached the guys the next day when they came for their visit. He informed them that he was discharging Anette from the hospital and she was almost ready to go, but he wanted to talk to them first. Emppu didn’t know what to make of that, and they all cautiously took a seat in the waiting room, on the edge of their seats as if they might have to run away on a moment’s notice. The psychiatrist smiled at them warmly, and even though Emppu was sure it was some trick he’d been taught in psychiatrist school to make patients believe he could be trusted (which, considering he was a psychiatrist, he should be), Emppu couldn’t help but calm down at the guy’s smile.

 

“I want you to know what’s going on,” the doctor started calmly, his gaze seeming to rest on all of them at once. “After having evaluated her state of mind, I do find it unlikely that she’ll attempt suicide, which is why I’m discharging her today, but you really need to pull together for her. She needs all the support she can possibly get in this moment of turmoil in her life, and as her friends you need to help her along, help boost her self-esteem and add some structure to the chaos.” Emppu nodded as the psychiatrist paused to let his words sink in. He was telling them to do exactly what they would have done anyway. They weren’t stupid. They knew that Anette was fragile and they knew they had to help her. Emppu was almost offended that the doctor felt the need to actually tell them something so blatantly obvious. He continued, “She’s going to be withdrawn and might seem a little unfocused and lost in her thoughts at times. It’s normal, don’t let that dissuade you from reaching out for her. That she was able to hide how she felt for so long following…quite honestly, it’s surprising. Not many women can pretend so convincingly after such a traumatic occurrence.” Emppu wished he’d just shut up. He wanted to see Anette, he wanted to give her a hug and tell her everything would be fine and they were there for her and he was so, so sorry that he hadn’t seen what she was really going through. He should have been there for her, but he had given up. How could he have given up? What kind of friend did that make him? He snapped out of his thoughts to pay attention to what the psychiatrist was saying now.

“She’s going to trust you four most of everyone, right now, I believe. You’ve been with her from the start and helped her through the worst of the backlash. She might not show it well, in fact, it’s probable that the trust will be tentative at best and always was, but any trust is good.” He paused again and a heavy silence reigned until he spoke again. “She will be okay. She will recover. She just needs time.” But how much?

 

The band headed back to the hotel a little while later. Anette looked completely exhausted and Emppu worried about her constantly. She couldn’t be sleeping right, but who was he fooling if he thought she’d had a good night’s sleep ever since that trip to Helsinki? He sighed mournfully, knowing full well there was absolutely nothing he could do about it, and headed to his own room as they all parted ways. It wasn’t much later that Emppu headed back out into the hallway with the intention of buying some alcohol from the bar downstairs and happened across Anette, who was at the vending machine buying some Halls. He walked up to her.

“How are you feeling?”

“Throat hurts.” Her voice was raspy, her throat still raw from the stomach pumping.

“Hope they help, “ said Emppu, indicating the Halls she was holding. She nodded with barely a smile. Emppu shifted his weight uncomfortably, wanting to say something to her but unsure exactly what. She watched him steadily and curiosly, no doubt wondering what was just on the tip of his tongue. When he didn’t say anything, she started to walk past him, back to her room.

“What happened, Anette? Why?” he blurted. She froze and lowered her head, not saying anything. Emppu took a step towards her. “Please, I need to know.” He was concerned about her, he wanted to know she wouldn’t try to again. He needed to know.

“I…I can’t talk about it, Emppu,” said Anette, “I’m sorry.” She walked away without looking back.

A/N: I KNOW. It’s short as FUCK. I’m honestly sorry. WTF is wrong with me that I can’t write as much as I used to? D:

Chapter 32

{ October 22, 2008 @ 11:03 pm } · { Fellowship }
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32

 

Tuomas felt someone nudging him on the shoulder and blearily opened his eyes, rubbing the sleep from them as he looked around in confusion before remembering they had stayed at the hospital for the night. He stretched his cramped back muscles, rubbing at his neck to ease the pain from sleeping in a chair all night, before finally turning his attention to the person who had woken him.

“Tuomas Holopainen, right?” The nurse asked him. He nodded. “Your friend Anette should be waking up soon if you want to go see her.” Tuomas nodded again and saw that Marco and Jukka were already awake and listening attentively, and Emppu was just waking up now. Tuomas stood and waited impatiently for Emppu to get his lazy ass up, and they all followed the nurse down the hallways to Anette’s room.

 

On the way, the nurse told them about Anette’s current condition.

“She took a lot, but luckily she got here fast enough that the drugs hadn’t fully entered her system. She could have wound up in a coma, even though she didn’t take a high enough dosage to stop her heart entirely.”

Tuomas felt a mixture of emotions. He was relieved that Anette would be fine, worried to death that she would try it again, and blamed himself for not noticing sooner that she wasn’t as fine as she pretended to be. The nurse kept talking.

“Be sure not to disturb her, and let her wake on her own,” she said, stopping and opening a door quietly. “She may be a bit disoriented and confused when she first wakes up, and her throat will be raw from the stomach pumping, so it’s best if she doesn’t do too much talking.” She smiled kindly at them and the guys slipped in, the nurse shutting the door behind them.

 

The room was fairly spacious and there were places enough for everyone to sit down, quietly murmuring to each other until Anette awoke. They weren’t talking about anything in particular, carefully avoiding the subject that they all wanted to talk about, Anette’s attempted suicide, and focusing on trivial matters. Not too long passed, maybe half an hour, when they saw Anette’s eyes flutter open. Emppu was at her side immediately and all conversation in the room ceased as Anette looked around, not seeming to truly see them, a distance in her eyes. Emppu placed his hands over hers, compassion clear upon his face. He wanted to say something, Tuomas could see that, but he refrained and gripped her hand tighter. She looked at him, focused on him, and Tuomas could almost see the change in her as she realized where she was and who she was looking at. He couldn’t read what she felt in her face, whether she was relieved or disappointed, she just seemed incredulous. He wanted to ask her, to ask her why she had done it, how long she had been feeling like that, why she had hidden it from them. He knew that there was an underlying problem and that it wasn’t solely because of what Jukka said, there had to be. He didn’t understand how she had been able to fake so well, nor why she would want to. He wanted to know, so badly, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask her. She looked so vulnerable, so broken, right now, and it broke his heart to see her like this, to see that she had given up. He couldn’t ask her those questions because he was afraid of her answers.

 

“Are you okay?” Emppu asked her, so softly Tuomas could barely hear it, though he wasn’t standing too far from the bed. He hadn’t yet approached her, and Anette seemed oblivious to the presence of himself, Marco and Jukka so far, entirely focused on Emppu. She began to speak, but stopped and raised a hand to her throat. Tuomas winced as he imagined the pain it would cost her to speak in the next couple of days, never even mind sing. She wouldn’t be singing for a little while at least, and he wasn’t even sure if she’d ever want to go back on stage after this. He fervently hoped so, but he had his doubts. She finally turned her head and noticed the rest of them. She smiled a bit and Tuomas stepped up to her bed, but didn’t know what he could possibly say, so instead of speaking, he gave her a hug. She flinched back from him and drew her hand away from Emppu’s, locking herself up again. Tuomas watched the transformation in her and it hurt him so much. He could see that Emppu was hurt as well. They knew why she had done it, they knew how badly everything that had happened to her affected her now, and Tuomas silently decided not to think too much about it, not to let it get to him. He couldn’t help it though, it hurt him that Anette didn’t trust him now. No one spoke, a heavy silence thickening the air between them, until, by some unspoken agreement, the guys left the room, not knowing what else they could do.

Chapter 31

{ October 16, 2008 @ 6:26 pm } · { Fellowship }
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A/N: I’m terribly sorry for how Anette’s turned all Sue-ish in this story. I don’t even know how that wound up happening. But anyways, I’m trying my best to fix that. Hopefully it’s not too late to redeem myself for the butchery of her character.

 

31

 

Emppu and Marco were sitting together in the bar in the hotel lobby, enjoying a beer and conversation. Emppu seemed to appreciate inane conversations so much more these days, probably because every conversation he had with Anette or Tuomas seemed to be dreadfully serious. Sometimes a guy just needed to relax for a bit. As he and Marco joked about the people in the bar, Emppu noticed, through the window, an ambulance pulling up to the hotel and paramedics rushing out with a stretcher. Mildly curious about it, but not enough to ask, Emppu turned his attention back to quenching his thirst. It wasn’t until later, when the same paramedics were rushing back to the ambulance with someone wrapped up on the gurney, a breathing mask obscuring their face, that the two men in the bar paid attention. For following the paramedics was none other than Tuomas and Jukka. Emppu had a sinking feeling in his stomach that he knew precisely who that was on the gurney, and a glance at Marco showed that he thought the very same. They quickly left the bar, hurrying to catch up with Jukka and Tuomas.

 

There was no need to hurry though; the ambulance had driven off, leaving the poet and the drummer looking forlorn. Emppu approached them.

“What happened?” he asked softly. Neither answered him, though he could see the muscles in Tuomas’ jaw working. The silence lingered.

“I’m calling a cab,” Tuomas said through clenched teeth, going back into the hotel. The three remaining men watched him go, none saying anything. After a brief moment, Tuomas returned. “It should be here soon,” he said. Jukka started pacing and Emppu shifted his weight from foot to foot. Tuomas stood absolutely still, seemingly absorbed in his melancholy, and Marco sat cross-legged on the ground, looking peevish. They were all impatient to be at the hospital and it seemed to be taking far too long for the cab to arrive.

 

In truth, it couldn’t have taken more than ten minutes for the cab to pull up in front of them, though Emppu could have sworn it was hours. Emppu, Tuomas and Jukka squeezed into the back seat as Marco took the front and told the driver where to bring them. They zoomed off to the hospital and, upon arrival, rushed into the emergency room, where the secretary calmly told them they’d have to wait for any information regarding her status. This was mightily displeasing to Emppu, who was experiencing quite the déja vu. He knew already they would have to play the same waiting game that they had not terribly long ago following Anette’s attack after the show in Helsinki. Why was everything repeating itself? Would Anette quit the band after all this? He wouldn’t blame her if she did, but he definitely didn’t relish the thought. Not only did he not want to go through the process of finding a new singer again, but the thought of losing a friend like Anette almost didn’t bear thinking about. It had been incredibly difficult with Tarja, with whom he had remained friends up until the end, despite the bad air between her and the others. He didn’t know if he could handle losing Anette too, if any of them could. He sent a quick prayer that she would be fine and continue on in the band, but if he was being honest with himself, he didn’t see it happening, a thought which saddened him to no end. He wondered if the others were worrying about that too.

 

Returning from one of many trips to the vending machine, Emppu decided to clear up what exactly happened and took a seat next to Tuomas, who was reading a newspaper. Jukka sat on Tuomas’ other side.

“What happened?” he asked. Tuomas looked at him, and Emppu could see that the man was completely exhausted, both emotionally and physically.

“Jukka was pounding on her door, I went out to see what was going on. Anette wasn’t opening the door, so the hotel manager unlocked it. Then we found her passed out on the floor. I’m pretty sure she overdosed on her anti-depressants.” Tuomas spoke matter-of-factly, though Emppu knew he was trying to disconnect himself from the pain. Emppu was surprised at this news and had no idea what to say. Anette had attempted suicide? Then things were so much worse than any of them thought.

“It’s my fault,” Jukka said quietly.

“How?” Emppu asked.

“I told her that…I said she had to tell the police. That…this was affecting everyone. That it happened every day.” Jukka’s voice was pained, filled with guilt, and he didn’t look at either of them as he spoke. Emppu could tell this was news to Tuomas as well, whose eyes had grown wide. Emppu bit back his urge to reproach Jukka, who should have known that was not the way to handle the situation, because he could see the man was tormented with guilt.

“It’s not your fault, Jukka. It’s all of ours. None of us noticed how badly she was faring,” said Tuomas softly. He was right.

 

After many long hours with nothing to do but read magazines, eat junk food, talk, and text, a nurse finally approached them. Marco had fallen asleep in his chair and Emppu prodded him awake, trying to keep his own eyes open. They hadn’t gotten any sleep yet that night and were all quite exhausted from the show. Tuomas has been nodding off in his chair, but snapped alert at the sight of the nurse. She smiled wanly at them.

“Well, her condition’s stable.”

There was a collective sigh of relief ‘midst the band mates.

“So can we see her, then?” Marco asked. The nurse shook her head.

“No, I’m afraid not. She needs to be monitored for at least a day to make sure the drugs are completely cleared from her system. She’s in no condition to take visitors right now, but tomorrow you can go see her.”

Tuomas nodded, but looked disappointed. He turned to the other men as the nurse left.

“Well, I guess we could just stay here for the night. I don’t care to go back to the hotel.”

There was consensus amongst the group and they all settled in for the night.

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